Breathe

Lately I have been watching a lot of videos by Casey Neinstat. I’d say he qualifies as one my inspirations. He didn’t go to college and had a kid at a vey young age. Now he is one of the top youtubers and a fantastic film maker. He makes videos on his life adventures  and tries to live life to the fullest. He is an inspiration not because of his success, but because of his use of his life.

This blog is titled breathe because I keep forgetting to. I let everything really get to me. In a week and a half I’m going on vacation and I am determined to be relaxed. I have officially decided that I am going to college. Yes, it pains me to say this but I feel like I have no other choice. I am already disappointing by going to a state school instead of a four year, if I didn’t go to school at all, I might be excommunicated from my family. 

Reasons why I have to go to college:

1) I have to stay on good terms with my family because there is going to come a day where I haven’t done laundry in over a month and will need a hot meal and clean clothes. If I don’t go  to college I can’t guarantee that simple friendly gestures like this will be readily available. 

2) I need to be looked at as professional. I refuse to get stuck in a 9 to 5 job somewhere I hate but I will need a college degree to get a well paying job because that’s how the world works. A sheet of paper that claims I’ve done lots of great things in school determines whether I live in a box or a house.  Therefore, I need this in order to have money to live.

3) I simply don’t have enough time. I want to build a van and travel across the country and there’s no way I could do that in six months with no money. I am also hoping I get talked out of the idea of living out of a van but probably won’t because I want to be able to save money to travel and rent is far from cheap. So I might as well get a degree and spend time on fulfilling this dream while I can.

It makes me really sad that I have come to this realization because I am so morally against going. I hate finals as is and I know that in college it will be ten times worse. However, it wouldn’t be smart not to. There are people who have made it out there without a college education but that’s a on in a million chance and they had to work ten times harder. As much as I  would like to believe that I am a special being that could somehow develope amazing business skills in less than six months and accumulate enough money to travel the world, it’s just not possible. I have also realized that my aunt, whom I am living with, has said that I am officially going to be moved out June 10th so I need a place to go. 

I’ve really tried to dig at the root cause of why I don’t want to go. It’s not like I’m so socially awkward that I will become a complete and total introverte. I have had roommates and know how to get along with people just fine. The social aspect of college isn’t the issue. I am just tired of stress. I relish the day when I will finally be able to burn all of my school papers and officially be able to say “I’m done”. Thinking about how that moment will have to come in a fewmore years rather than few more months is borderline depressing. I know that big dreams come at big costs and unfortunately I can’t even talk my own self out of traveling the world. Perhaps it’s the fact that I have lost motivation in school and honestly don’t know I will have the ability to graduate because my ambition is so low. 

Whatever the case may be. I have to. I don’t have a choice. It deeply pains me to say that but I am at my wits end. I cannot think of another scenario where I am able to achieve my dreams without college. So for now I have to force myself to bite the bullet and just do it. I will get a chance to relax this summer but after that I just have to do it.

I was watching The Princess Bride the other day with a few friends. It’s one of my favorite movies and I’ve see it a hundred times or more but this time something stuck out. There’s a part in the movie where Wesley says to princess Buttercup, “Life is pain. Anyone who tells you differently is selling something.” It stuck out and spoke to me. All my life people have been telling me I am going have to do things I don’t want to do and all my life I have. That won’t change when I turn 18. There is always going to be something you don’t want to do. You can either do it and get it over with or you can drive yourself insane trying to avoid it. 

Maybe in another life I could have it my way. Here’s a blurry picture of a plant just after it rained because rain makes me sad, just like college.

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