Aspirations 

Over my lifetime, a whole 17 years, I have felt passionate about several aspirations. When I was twelve I wanted a dog. I wanted a German short haired pointer. At the time, the place I was living, it wasn’t possible to have a dog but I knew that the place I was at was temporary. So I began to plan.

I used my precious internet time to research everything about the breed and to this day still have the folder with all my information. I first found an old skittles piggy bank that I remember to this day and I began to save. I got paid for chores but it didn’t quite cut it. I had to come up with clever ways to make money since I was too young for a job. I began to make jewelry from scraps of old jewelry people didn’t want, stockpiled, and invested in supplies. I made earrings mostly and would go door to door selling them. I was inspired by Where The Red Fern Grows and kept up my hard work. I took on another project of making little pot holders for kitchen ovens. I would use a loom and weave them together then go door to door selling them. I then invested into a car washing devices and washed cars in the warmer months. I worked and worked for 9 months and earned $500. I was $250 short of my goal but I was moving. I finally got my dog. His name was scout and I loved him dearly. 

The moral of the story was my motivation. I haven’t felt this motivation in a long time about anything like I do about this van conversion. It’s brought out my other passionate dream.

I love writing and one day want to write a novel. I don’t have time because school gets in the way, to me school is more of a distraction as I have gotten older. I want to write and travel but how I wanted to do that was unclear until a few months ago. Now I am looking up things to make this dream a reality. It’s hard to ignore a constant itch and this is what taht feels like. I’m hungry for information on vans and continue to research. It’s a long shot and frankly quite crazy but I finally found a motivation. I found the same desire I had when I was 12. Perhaps I can make this dream a reality, but how long will I have to wait this time? 

Guilty Pleasures 

I am a self admitted hoarder. I have so much stuff that it’s a miracle. For someone who has moved nearly every year since they were nine, I have more stuff than my friends who have stayed in the same place their whole lives. I have enough notebooks to last me through life, enough unread magazines to take up all my free time, and enough stuff to feel “comfort”.

I say “comfort” because frankly I don’t need 90% of the things I have. So I have been downsizing, purging if you will. It’s refreshing to get rid of things. It’s like letting go of a weight that has been strapped to you your entire life. Therefore if purging is one of my guilty pleasures what else would there be?

I am OCD about my laundry. My room can look like a bomb went off but if my clothes that are in my drawers aren’t folded just the way I like and aligned then I flip. All my clothes hanging up have to be facing one way and coordinated by season. This is coming from the person who hates to clean. Most of the time you can’t see my floor but you bet if you open my dresser drawer you’ll find my neatly folded and sometimes even color coordinated clothes. I don’t like to do laundry and I don’t like to fold it; however, if it must be done, then it has to be done right. Although this quirk works to my advantage.

My third guilty pleasure is watching van conversions. Currently my dream is to trade my Honda CR-V for a nice van and to do the interior the way I please. Unfortunately I 1) can’t afford a van and conversion and 2) can’t inform people on my graduation announcement to help fund my van life project. 

The dream

I have always wanted to write a novel. I don’t think that it would be a best seller or anything crazy but I want a published book out there with my name on it, hell, maybe even a few. Being a writer means you are your own boss. That would make my can dream possible but then again it would cost. Let’s say perhaps my crazy dream comes true with owning a van and I sell everything that won’t fit in said van. That still leaves expenses of buying equipment to write book and I would hope to use photography in media as a van life contributor so I would have to invest in camera equipment. 

Here’s the sad thing: I have it all planed out. I’ve watched enough conversions that I’m confident in my ability to build the van and I already know what kind of equipment I would need in order to live in the van. If life was perfect and I was able to direct it my way here’s what I’d do: I would first get the van and convert it befor high school is over but not install all of the electrical just yet. I mean I would install it but not till later. In the mean time I will be working as a counselor at my favorite place on earth and after that I want to do a gap year program that involves traveling to gather material for my novel. When I get back from this year of inspiration I want to finish the van and hit the road, visiting and exploring very national park and even perhaps go north to Canada then Alaska. I have a strong desire to do this and have thought about every aspect of it for the past 6 months.

To review, my guilty pleasures are mostly to organize and my dream is to live in a van. I want to take an auto macanic class so I could deal with my van. Unfortunately I will most likely have to go to college and work a sub par job until I can eventually find a place to live and learn to adult. To me that sounds so boring and I am a firm believer in following your dreams and making life as interesting as possible. I believe our time is limited so I’d like to live it to the fullest extent I can.

5 Month break down 

I have come to a complete standstill hence the non frequent posts. A mixture of being done with finals and being relieved that I have less stress that constantly contradicts itself by being the marking point that time is running out. The requirements for college deadlines feel suffocating and the fear of the unknown is more daunting than anything I’ve ever experienced. 

It is currently January which means that the new semester is beginning and marks a new cross road in my high school career. I could graduate with less credits and free up time to possibly get a job or graduate with the required amount and get into college. I have a hunch that a CSU wouldn’t care whether or not I did ten electives that were things I wasn’t interested in but I could be wrong. 

The next thing to worry about is a gap year. I want to do a gap year but I need funding. This is an increasingly difficult thing because I need to register before time is up but also needs professional consultation. Having to work out that slight kink has given me anxiety as well as the fact that I need a place to live if that falls through. I want to travel and be mobile and decrease in the amount of materialistic items I have. 

This is where the van idea comes in. I currently have a 2000 Honda CR-V that is named Darla. Darla and I had a rocky start but we now are best friends. She has attitude but is reliable. I would hate to see her go but a van would be practical. If I were to do a van conversion and live out of it there are technical things I would have to worry about such as the fact that I know nothing about auto macanics and I would have to invest time and money into making it functional without the help of a professional. 

At the moment I am in a floating stage of my senior year, the calm before the storm if you will. Hopefully I will be okay in the end. Stability for the meantime will remain in the present but who knows about the future. 

The complex meaning of love

*Warning*

The following is a complete BS college essay but I ended up liking it.

Some believe in this nearly undefinable term, others refuse to accept it. Philosophers, writers, artists and people around the world have marveled at this term, this idea, this mystery. Some would say love is just a frequency of energy shared between two people, Dr. Suess would define it as a mutually shared weirdness, and others say it’s the chemistry of hormones. All of which aren’t wrong but wouldn’t agreeably be accurate. The definition varies among each individual just as the meaning of life would vary. There is no one simple answer to one of life’s true mysteries. Trying to explain love to someone who has never experienced it is like trying to explain color to a color blind person. How does someone simply define a color?

An explanation of love could be simply wandering the earth seeing shades of grey until suddenly one day two souls pass coincidentally and suddenly the world is filled with color. A vibrace nearly incomprehensible. Every high feels like soaring and every low feels like a cold, relentless wind that can tear a person apart piece by piece. Why does some love last and some doesn’t? If people are taught, from a young age, that one day they will fall in love then they will forever hold the expectation of love. The first person to come across with promising characteristics and share a common connection through interests can be easily mistaken for a soulmate. When every sign pointed to the answer of no they held on simply because they were terrified to let go of something they invested in even when, inevitably, it wasn’t meant to be. So the question remains: can we trust ourselves to find the true definition of love or will we be mistaken?

So most colleges dont like it when kids write about relaionships because they tend to ramble on about an emotinal break up however I didn’t write about a specific relationship and the essay was on a topic of my choice. Since I’m too busy to write blog posts becuase finals are coming up, this is what I could manage. Not even sorry.

The high school complex

If I could write a letter to my freshmen self this is how it would go:

     This is going to be crazy in ways you don’t even understand yet. You’re life isn’t going to be normal or the same, however you define that now. I don’t want to depress you but it’s going to be rough. You’re going to have some amazing moments. Cherish them.

Let’s start with boys, you feel like they don’t even know you exist. It’s okay, they aren’t worth all the hype. You don’t need to try and prove something to them by changing everything about yourself. Don’t base your self esteem on them either. When you get older you will think you’re in love and even cry over these boys. It’s really hard to figure out the ones that are worth those tears but you’ll figure it out. Don’t rush into things that everyone else is doing. You’re not lame for doing that, do what’s comfortable. 

Your hoodie collection is not a bad thing. You don’t have to dress up every week because you feel like people won’t accept you if you don’t. Please just be yourself, people like you, just ask your friends

Speaking of friends, it’s going to be a rough one. Sometimes you won’t be able to tell who’s there with you or not, just know taht you will figure it out. These are the ones who will cry with you at 2 am because you both didn’t get asked to the dance. The ones who push you to go outside of your comfort zones to experience life. The ones you can blast old school Taylor swift with and sing and don’t care what anyone thinks. The ones who don’t judge your imperfections and pick you up when you’re down. Your going to want to give your all to these people but some are illusions. Don’t waste your time and energy on people who seem to be untouchable. 

Lastly, accept yourself. Don’t you dare look in that mirror and criticize the way your clothes look or the fact that you think your face is too round and your hips are too wide or your not skinny enough. Quit the smoothie only diet, you need real food. Look at yourself once a day and say something positive. Please, it’ll save us both some trouble. You are stubborn but please be as accepting of other people as you can. You’ll be wiser if you do.

You are beautiful inside and out, maybe if you hear it from yourself, you’ll finally start believing it. Be true to yourself and others and you will be fine. Ignore the ones who are trying to drag you down. 

Sincerely your senior self
The high school complex:

Whoever said you discover yourself in high school is not a person to trust. I don’t know myself and I’m about to graduate. Who am I supposed to be? That’s not important right now. I’m in high school, I am just trying to figure out the basics before actual life comes around and puts a wrench in everything. The drama that you can get caught in is flabbergasting. Who would’ve thought high school could become just a like a reality tv show. 

I think to find myself I need to go on a trip by myself. Be alone with maybe a dog for company and just explore. I am terrified of myself because I don’t get along with myself. People say I’m contradicting because I am in a constant battle with myself. I just need to find myself my own way. 

High school has never been easy and it’s not going to suddenly become effortless. Perhaps in a different lifetime it was different but for now it’s the same as it’s always been. 

Also high school in movies is not at all what they are like in reality. You wish they were that exciting.

Floating 

The rain trickles down into the parched earth and up arises the smell of freshly damp soil and pine needles. The cold droplets hit you but feel refreshing on your warm skin. Cloths begin to stick to you until you have to eventually peel them off.

The sight of lightning then the clap of thunder quickens your heart but in the most exciting ways. The rain makes various noises while hitting different surfaces. Suddenly the showers fade and the sent of fresh earth is left. Suddenly your lungs take in the fresh air and the water droplets on every surface look like small diamonds that glitter beautiful in the sun that has now come out from behind the thunder clouds. 

The sun descends into its nesting place in the mountains and the moon begins to arise. A small rainbow appears in the distance. It’s colors dazzling in the setting sun. The air feels warm but renewed. Each breath inhaled is a pleasure just as the gold sheet that is laid across the land is a sight taht begs for the attention of its inhabitants.

This golden sheet bounces off the small water droplets that now glitter gold. The tread catch the ever fading light and seem delighted as the frogs who begin to croak their evening song. The gold is washed way into pink and the surroundings seem picturesque. Pink fades to purple then blue and the moon begins its journey across the sky alongside the twinkling stars. It’s as if the water droplets had been stolen from earth and placed in the sky. Your souls feels filled with happiness. Stress no longer exists only the powerful feelings between you and nature. This is the feeling of home.  

Normal

I have never found the definition to this word because it’s different for every person. My normal is constantly shifting and I don’t like it half the time. The only time I’m happy is when I’m not dependent. Lately I haven’t been sleeping well. I have the normal school stress but also questions floating around in my head that have no answers. It’s like a galaxy of starts in my mind yet I can’t make out if they’re starts or planets and I’ll never know because they are so distant.

I didn’t know it when I was younger but now I see that I’ve always held an interest in philosophy. It amazes me. So many questions that can’t be answered by science or math. Perhaps they’re not meant to be answered but it’s the eye opening conversations that lead me to think new things. 

I’m not religious. I don’t believe in a god. I was raised in a Christian family yet I cannot accept what has been laid out for me to believe. I believe that we are all living breathing human beings who are working towards a greater purpose. Maybe that’s why we feel special, this purpose gives us drive and even a will to live. I’d go as far to say that we cannot accomplish this purpose through one lifetime but rather several. All small purposes that fulfill something much bigger. 

I had a conversation with Adam, one of Taylor’s friends, the other night. He was saying he believed that things happen and that’s the way they were supposed to be. He believed in the butterfly affect coupled with predestination. He continued to say that the world around us is our own reality which I agreed with however he continued in saying that wheather or not I was real or anyone was real didn’t matter because once he was gone, so was the universe.

I’m not afraid of death; however, I didn’t agree with his theroy. We happened to have this conversation the same day Taylor broke up with her boyfriend of three years. I could feel the pain all over again from both her and her boyfriend. The desperation and the loss, it made me think. I came up with the theory that everyone around me is real otherwise we couldn’t have these real life connections and feel the pain of loss. It’s not a hallucination. I can feel the pain of other people, I am deeply empathetic to those who are suffering because I relate it to examples in my life.

Throuh the duration of the conversation between Adam and I, it was hard to shake the feeling of real sensations. Santa Cruz is a strange place. I once had a conversation that there is black magic in some of our beloved places amidst all the good. A ying and yang complex if you will. Adam revealed that his home life has been less than satisfactory as well as Taylor’s boyfriend, and even Taylor. It is an unspoken struggle. Perhaps it’s where I have lived and my exposure but I know that most suffer unlike when I was little where I thought I was cursed by the god I was forced to believe. Adam wants to push forward from the past and continues to swear that his fate is predestined. I think he might be on to something. 

The real thing I learned was that humanity, compassion, and empathy is what exists in our great race. The feelings and sensations we experience are very vivid to me. I have explicitly vivid dreams yet reality is a different realm. I can make out the fake sensations from the real ones. Perhaps it’s just me on midnight rambles but whatever it is, it won’t leave my mind.