I have never found the definition to this word because it’s different for every person. My normal is constantly shifting and I don’t like it half the time. The only time I’m happy is when I’m not dependent. Lately I haven’t been sleeping well. I have the normal school stress but also questions floating around in my head that have no answers. It’s like a galaxy of starts in my mind yet I can’t make out if they’re starts or planets and I’ll never know because they are so distant.

I didn’t know it when I was younger but now I see that I’ve always held an interest in philosophy. It amazes me. So many questions that can’t be answered by science or math. Perhaps they’re not meant to be answered but it’s the eye opening conversations that lead me to think new things. 

I’m not religious. I don’t believe in a god. I was raised in a Christian family yet I cannot accept what has been laid out for me to believe. I believe that we are all living breathing human beings who are working towards a greater purpose. Maybe that’s why we feel special, this purpose gives us drive and even a will to live. I’d go as far to say that we cannot accomplish this purpose through one lifetime but rather several. All small purposes that fulfill something much bigger. 

I had a conversation with Adam, one of Taylor’s friends, the other night. He was saying he believed that things happen and that’s the way they were supposed to be. He believed in the butterfly affect coupled with predestination. He continued to say that the world around us is our own reality which I agreed with however he continued in saying that wheather or not I was real or anyone was real didn’t matter because once he was gone, so was the universe.

I’m not afraid of death; however, I didn’t agree with his theroy. We happened to have this conversation the same day Taylor broke up with her boyfriend of three years. I could feel the pain all over again from both her and her boyfriend. The desperation and the loss, it made me think. I came up with the theory that everyone around me is real otherwise we couldn’t have these real life connections and feel the pain of loss. It’s not a hallucination. I can feel the pain of other people, I am deeply empathetic to those who are suffering because I relate it to examples in my life.

Throuh the duration of the conversation between Adam and I, it was hard to shake the feeling of real sensations. Santa Cruz is a strange place. I once had a conversation that there is black magic in some of our beloved places amidst all the good. A ying and yang complex if you will. Adam revealed that his home life has been less than satisfactory as well as Taylor’s boyfriend, and even Taylor. It is an unspoken struggle. Perhaps it’s where I have lived and my exposure but I know that most suffer unlike when I was little where I thought I was cursed by the god I was forced to believe. Adam wants to push forward from the past and continues to swear that his fate is predestined. I think he might be on to something. 

The real thing I learned was that humanity, compassion, and empathy is what exists in our great race. The feelings and sensations we experience are very vivid to me. I have explicitly vivid dreams yet reality is a different realm. I can make out the fake sensations from the real ones. Perhaps it’s just me on midnight rambles but whatever it is, it won’t leave my mind. 


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