Jobs

I am 17 and about to have to face the world on my own. I would be fine with this except I can’t even get a job. Now I’ve heard it all: “you’re not trying hard enough” “you’re not looking in the right places”. Well let me tell you.

I spent a whole afternoon handing out resumes to any place with a help wanted sign. Nothing. I emailed and talked to people all over town. Nothing. I have been hunting Craigslist like a mad person and have only run into scams and jobs I can’t make it to. 

Let me explain: the first thing I heard from was a serving job for a wedding job and they wanted to interview me. Problem is it was way to far. So I had to politely decline. The second one seemed to be a legit housecleaning gig until they told me how much they were paying and I had to look it up because I couldn’t believe it. Turned out to be a scam. Finally today I found something that was near me and in my area of experience and everything about it seemed perfect and they wanted to know my availability. Well while looking through my emails I saw the email they had sent to me and decided to put it aside and form a coherent email while going through and archiving all my trash mail. You know what I did? I deleted their email. I was so frustrated and mad so I went back to Craigslist and searched for it and sent them another email hoping they won’t think I’m an idiot. 

I have no where else to turn. It also just so happens that my summer camp that I live so much might not pay me. The thought of going all summer without income for someone who is about to be thrown out is terrible. Who knew it would be this hard to get a minimum wage job.
The blog hasn’t been updated in a while because as you can see I have been slightly preoccupied. My apologies. Life happens. 

Empathy 

This blog was an idea spawned from the brains of great people who encouraged me to improve my writing. As it has progressed over the past two months it has been a major stress relief for me. I was completely honest on this blog when I stated that it was a way I could vent without having to constantly complain to my friends which I still do but it’s normally about the small meaningless things in life, the 1st world problems. 
My audience for this blog consists of friends, acquaintances, and a few strangers who enjoy my writing. The majority of this audience reads to check in with my life and/or to see how my writing is improving i’d presume. Correct me if I’m wrong. This being said there is bound to be conflict in these rants of mine because not all perceive reality in the same way.
What I’m trying to say is this: we all see different variations of reality and can’t always come to a consensus because of this variety of the verdict. In short, this is how wars are started. I believe that one’s experiences dictate their perception. This is precisely the reason that I am a firm believer in empathy.
The other day I was braiding Taylor’s hair and she was watching a video on Facebook on the topic of empathy which sent me spinning in thought after the month’s events. The definition of this word didn’t become a clear picture until I was 12 and in a group home (for those who don’t know what this is it is a housing unit that is basically an orphanage but is run like a prison). A girl had made it apparent what empathy was. I kept to myself in those days because it was an everybody fends for themselves kind of scenario. This girl who was a year or two older than me seemed to go along with what anyone else told her and didn’t stand up for herself but rather aimed to please in order to have friends. 
For whatever reason, this timid girl decided that she could trust me. I hadn’t paid her much attention until she began to open up to me. She explained that her therapy sessions didn’t seem to help in any way and she still felt awful inside. She explained she felt guilty. As we became better acquainted she revealed more about this guilt. I began to understand that she had no need to feel guilty. That the horrors that she had been exposed to had been pawned off as being her fault by those around her. So from that moment on she found herself guilty to everything she had ever been exposed to even if it plainly wasn’t her fault. One night she cried to me about it and I felt her pain but I also saw how our perspectives were completely different from one another.
With all that being said I find it easy to find empathy for others after countless experiences similar to this one. This sometimes leaves me at a disadvantage because I would expect the same from others around me. Just because somethings scary to me doesn’t mean that it’s scary for everyone. That leaves a different sensitivity scale for each individual. It is impossible to gauge this scale from what meets the eye, hence the saying “don’t judge a book by its cover”.
The basic understanding of human empathy is impossible without life experiences. The relatability that causes us to comprehend another’s pain, happiness, and sorrow. This relatability that people utilize to understand one another is often what can make us feel even more alone in the world forming this strange paradox. To put in other words: if you struggle and you find someone who also struggles, the matter of such struggles can differ just ever so slightly to the point where the common ground that was foreseeable in a moment of desperation has now disappeared into a fog of confusion and frustration.
Therefore, I ask for understanding over immediate redemption. That although there is a mending ability between ties that are broken with automatic forgiveness, the strongest bonds were made of perceptiveness of those around you. The ability to feel what another is experiencing or had experienced is a learned skill that can be developed through awareness.
 It is impossible to walk a mile in another person’s shoes but the effort in trying can prove to be fruitful.

Thursday

I wasn’t kidding when I said they were cursed. The worst things happen to me on Thursdays. 

Today I was told I was being kicked out. I’d like to look at this from a few different aspects. Many teens especially my age are told this same phrase including some of my closest friends. Getting kicked out for them means crashing at a friend’s house. For me, that means I have to live with another foster family. It means I have to start all over again. 

Financially it is a train wreck to even think about and would put my dreams on hold. Emotionally it would probably kill me. 

Since I could cook eggs I have been independent. I prefer to do things my way; however as a minor, you are not allowed to do what you want because you have to follow rules and guidelines lines. That’s just a fact of life. My childhood consisted of figuring things out for myself and learning what to do on my own. I have been independent for a long time.

This isn’t saying that once I move out I’ll know exactly what to do. I actually have no clue what to do as far as paying bills and doing taxes. I’m independent in other ways though. Education has always been an independent thing for me, people who have been in my life have cared about my grades but never especially pushed to get straight As and so that is one thing that I took into my own hands. As far as feeding myself I would consider that an independent thing, in many of the homes I have lived in I was expected to feed myself and have grown to prefer that way. My views on almost everything contrast those around me because I wasn’t introduced to my families stand points on many issues and was left to choose my own thoughts on many things. 

Being kicked out has an affect on me emotionally as previously stated. I become emotionally numb. A kind of dull aching pain that I push to the pit of my stomach to try and avoid so I can think rationally about a back up plan. 

Physically, it makes me take inventory of everything I own for the 18th time and proves to be, in the end, stressfull on my body. 

Financially it takes away vital opportunities that can lead to some of my biggest aspersions.

Mentally, which for me, differs from emotions slightly. It severs bonds. I love my aunt dearly and with recent family news and built up guilt, loosing her and my uncle would not make things any easier. I thrive in an environment where I can practice my tenant and renter relationship because not only will I have to be facing that soon as well as it gives me a sense of freedom. Yet I understand how family might view that as me being antisocial and ungrateful.

Getting kicked out could mean several things. I could be moved to a foster family far away from where I am, I could be moved to a family in the same area but it would be likely I wouldn’t last long even in these last few remaining months because the stress I have at the moment is nearly crushing me, add a placement change and I might loose my sanity. It could mean that I get moved to a group home which to me is the equivalent of jail and I surly wouldn’t survive. Lastly it could mean that I have to say goodbye to my friends. It’s been a short time but already I have formed solid bonds. It’s not everyday you can find a group who can jam to 2000 Taylor swift and The Rolling Stones, or play pictionary on the beach on Saturday nights. 

I’m not good at goodbyes, when I left Napa in June and it was confirmed I wouldn’t be returning in August, it nearly ripped my heart out to say goodbye to Ally. These connections that I make with people sometimes last a lifetime and sometimes fall through with distance. 

So being told I’m being kicked out leaves me numb. It consumes every fiber of my being until I can’t feel anything and only hear a ringing in my ears that echoes all the negativity buried in my past. 

What I need is stability, I crave it. Just a few months to be assured the carpet won’t be ripped out from under my feet and can be assured that I won’t be abandoned. I understand and am fully aware that this is a give and take situation. I see any situation in a foster home to be a trade off similar to a tenant and renter regardless ofminey for basic commodities or in my case chores for a bed and food. I try to stay between these lines but if I am rushed with a heavy work load at school, it can be hard to juggle between home life and school. I often prioritize education over chores which is ironic considering my opposition towards college, nonetheless, I still hold education to be a priority no matter how it is obtained. 

Exuses aren’t my goal, if I have a dirty room then I should clean it bottom line, but sometimes I look at a simple task and it seems overwhelming because of anxiety. I don’t expect anyone to understand taht feelings nd know I should just do what’s in front of me but sometimes I just get nervous or stressed and want to hide under my covers all day. Sometimes seemingly for no reason other than just being scared.

Lately, with an uncertain future I have been terrified, with the exreamly likely idea taht I will be kicked out that stress and fear has manifested into a depressed state. All of these factors contributing to a coming cause of anxiety and stress that I don’t talk about because I try earnestly to knock myself out of it and just get done what I need to get done. 

With all that being said, today was a day where I saw a glimpse of some of my biggest dreams and watched them disappear faster than I could even take a good look at what my future my hold. Who knows how things will turn out in the end.

The Media 

I talk about this as if it’s a single entity. I know it’s not but I try to look at as a whole to make things easier.

I have a love hate relationship with the media. When I say media I mean social media, news media, etc. It is a force to be reckoned with. I think that it has its positives but also negatives and then this weird grey area of just straight controversial.

Why I love the media:

It is a place that can provoke awareness on ground breaking things or foundations, charities and what not. It has an ability to move people and is a true art form. Not only that but you can express yourself through social media. For example WordPress is a great place to do that as well  as Instagram, twitter, snapchat. I rely on it as a place where I can express myself in depth because the facisnating idea of venting to strangers that really have no connection to you is exciting. It’s a way to make connections and even network. It’s also a resource to gather information, in my case, information on van conversions, job prospects, and all around entertainment. In short, I think it’s great but it definitely has its dark side.

Why I hate the media:

Media is a frenzy for people to get attention either through corporations or just individuals. This isn’t a problem except that it leaves people with a skewed perspective of reality. People like to see happy things and want to be happy, it’s a basic human desire so content is usually aimed on how much fun people are having and how great their lives are. It makes viewers believe that if you aren’t happy 24/7 then there is something detrimentally wrong with you. If everything is being projected as happy go lucky times forever then people are going to question their sadness. 

Sadness is apart of life, if there wasn’t sadness then we wouldn’t know happiness. You can’t see and understand something when there is a contrast to it. It sucks, I know but it’s reality. Media tries to sell you something different, this fabricated lie that can leave you worse off than you were before. Along with this unrealistic idea of what your life is supposed to look like there is also preconceived ideas of what people are supposed to look like in order to be happy.

The idea that women have to wear makeup and have toned bodies is something that has bothered me always. Don’t get me wrong, I believe makeup is an art form truly; however, when I noticed my friend question her self esteem because she didn’t have makeup, it was a wake up call. I grew up with a single dad so I’ve never been a super girly girl yet I still feel pressured by media to conform into media’s idea of “perfection” which is not only blown out of proportion but also changes every other week. The same stands for men’s standards. Toned bodies is a must in order to be successful in life. I do believe that this media craze tends to affect women more than men from my own personal experience.

I like to read my horoscope on Cosmopolitan and sometimes I’ll catch glimpses of their articles and it usually has to do with the latest beauty trend or how to get abs in five minutes. Then the next day they will have an article on how women should embrace their bodies and be more accepting. I think it’s a mixed message to say the least especially to younger generations but also just kind of weird to contradict themselves (as if I don’t do the same thing). 

The real point I’m trying to reach is that lately I have been gloomy. This happens, it’s normal. If you have a shitty week chances are you won’t really be too happy about it. So when I look at youtubers or friends on Instagram who are happy in all of their videos or posts, I remind myself, people are human and have bad days, they aren’t happy all the time and you aren’t alone. 

There’s my rant on the media. Lately I have had no shortage of things to talk about on the blog and I’m loving it, I wish life would go for an upswing but I guess I’ll have to wait.
Side note* 

To the guy who gave my friends and I the umbrella at the yogurt shop cause it was raining and we were waiting for free yogurt, thank you, it was greatly appreciated. 

Rock Bottom

I have hit it. No money, no car, no confidence. Fortunately I can only build up from here. How? I have no idea. I am scared to death and the only way to cope is to write and keep focsed on the dream of the van. I have a dream for the next few years. I want to tavel and live in a van and I want to live off of my writing. I dont know how the next few months are going to go for me as far as where I’m going to live, how I’ll make a living, and what resources I can gather.

Stress has been a major factor. Loosing my car was the tipping point of my sanity. Physical changes have occured as far as stress goes. motivation for my current english class is at an all time low because my teacher thinks we (a class of capable seniors) don’t know how to form a paragraph. My feelings towards college have not changed but my self image has morphed into something I have never known. The only ting that has stayed consistant is my dream of the van. Everything else is a jumbled mess that hurts to think about.

My social self has wanted to hide. I am trying to become my own person but its hard when all I want to do is sit in my room and paint. Broken ties and lies have scared me from my friend group. I want some feel of stability and the high of happiness but the rain has put me in a mood that is challenging to break out of.

I now belive Thursdays are my cursed days. I totaled my car on a thursday and had to endure my first big break up on a thursday. The idea of another relationship makes me want to run and I lack interest in pursuing anyone. I am hoping my luck will change but have a feeling my reality isn’t going to improve anytime soon. The blog is growing, not by much but enough to make me apprechiate the little things. Trying not to be sad and trying to make this life rad.

Reality

Life isn’t always fun. Not even close. Today was one of the worst days of my life. 

Picture this: 

A teenage girl driving home from school trying to figure out how to explain to her family why she called her self out of class. A song comes on that she lives but she can’t even appreciate it because she’s going out of her mind insane with how she’ll be dead when she gets home. A car pulls into the street next to her and she looks to see if they are close to her car. As her head swings back to the front of the wheel and her hair brushed her shoulder she sees nothing but break lights. Three cars with in dead stops. She slams on the breaks but the combination of wet pavement and bad breaks doesn’t help. Impact. She is thrust into the steering wheel and then pushed back into her seat while her foot is nailed to the break. She looks at her steering wheel expecting the air bag to deploy and potentially break a rib. She can’t breath and the wind is knocked out of her but she’s okay. Her body is shaking with terror as she comes back to reality. She realizes what’s happened and pulls to the side and puts it in park. Then she wishes the impact would have killed her.

She looks at the couple who get out of their car. The back end seemingly fine while the hood of her car is scrunched up like a scrunchey hair tie. The headlights are shoved into the car. The tears come effortlessly and she fumbles for words. She is in so much trouble, she doesn’t know what to do. This is when it hits her.
Up until this moment I thought I was prepared to be on my own. I thought I knew what to do in every situation and I was nearly an adult. I knew finances were going to be hard but I’d figure it out. Past that, I had it down. I messed up. I totaled my car. I had no idea what to do in such a situation. I am not prepared and I’m terrified of the future. I felt like a little girl thrown into the real world. I don’t know how I’m going to survive.

Networking 

First off, I’m not a social person by nature, I am kind of on the fence of I could be totally outgoing or I could be that one really quiet kid in the class, it really depends on the day. I wouldn’t say I make friends to network and make connecting a that could benefit me. If I make a friend your usually in it for the long haul unless something happens along the way. Lately I have been making friends from all over my school for example I went on a run with Emily tonight and hiked with Gabby earlier.

Gabby and I have complete opposing views on politics yet can still openly talk about it and share information and learn rather than argue. I would not consider her someone I am trying to network off of. That being said she did offer some information that could be potentially vital to my future. Gabby is very outgoing and knows a ton of people and happens to know some college grads who live here in town looking for a roommate next year. Hears the catch: you have to move out furring the summer because the owner rents it as a vacation home. That wouldn’t be a problem for me because I go to my favorite place on earth for around three months.

Let’s say I was the extreamely organized, well thought out person I wish I was: this would fit into my plan in several ways one being that it would be cheap enough to where I could start saving for my van project which after weeks and months, I have tried to ignore, is nearly impossible. I am infatuated by the idea that you could be self sustaining and move whenever you want. I desperately want this lifestyle.

Cutting back on my classes has led to a lot of free time and more time to make stronger connections with people which I really appreciate and is even helping me get in shape. Angelica and Emily have been running with me for the past couple of days ever since I decided not to join the swim team because it sounded like more stress than fun.

With what I want to be in life it is vital that I network while I can and emerge from my shell even further. Honestly I feel like I’ve left this shell so long ago that I’m not even a hermit crab anymore, I’m a crab that lost its shell. This is good because now I can broaden my horizons while being utterly terrified but can be translated into motivation. 

I don’t have the ability to rate my writing but I’d hope that it would be a career option and the more I become devoted to the idea of a van, the more I want to be a journalist.