Rock Bottom

I have hit it. No money, no car, no confidence. Fortunately I can only build up from here. How? I have no idea. I am scared to death and the only way to cope is to write and keep focsed on the dream of the van. I have a dream for the next few years. I want to tavel and live in a van and I want to live off of my writing. I dont know how the next few months are going to go for me as far as where I’m going to live, how I’ll make a living, and what resources I can gather.

Stress has been a major factor. Loosing my car was the tipping point of my sanity. Physical changes have occured as far as stress goes. motivation for my current english class is at an all time low because my teacher thinks we (a class of capable seniors) don’t know how to form a paragraph. My feelings towards college have not changed but my self image has morphed into something I have never known. The only ting that has stayed consistant is my dream of the van. Everything else is a jumbled mess that hurts to think about.

My social self has wanted to hide. I am trying to become my own person but its hard when all I want to do is sit in my room and paint. Broken ties and lies have scared me from my friend group. I want some feel of stability and the high of happiness but the rain has put me in a mood that is challenging to break out of.

I now belive Thursdays are my cursed days. I totaled my car on a thursday and had to endure my first big break up on a thursday. The idea of another relationship makes me want to run and I lack interest in pursuing anyone. I am hoping my luck will change but have a feeling my reality isn’t going to improve anytime soon. The blog is growing, not by much but enough to make me apprechiate the little things. Trying not to be sad and trying to make this life rad.

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