Thursday

I wasn’t kidding when I said they were cursed. The worst things happen to me on Thursdays. 

Today I was told I was being kicked out. I’d like to look at this from a few different aspects. Many teens especially my age are told this same phrase including some of my closest friends. Getting kicked out for them means crashing at a friend’s house. For me, that means I have to live with another foster family. It means I have to start all over again. 

Financially it is a train wreck to even think about and would put my dreams on hold. Emotionally it would probably kill me. 

Since I could cook eggs I have been independent. I prefer to do things my way; however as a minor, you are not allowed to do what you want because you have to follow rules and guidelines lines. That’s just a fact of life. My childhood consisted of figuring things out for myself and learning what to do on my own. I have been independent for a long time.

This isn’t saying that once I move out I’ll know exactly what to do. I actually have no clue what to do as far as paying bills and doing taxes. I’m independent in other ways though. Education has always been an independent thing for me, people who have been in my life have cared about my grades but never especially pushed to get straight As and so that is one thing that I took into my own hands. As far as feeding myself I would consider that an independent thing, in many of the homes I have lived in I was expected to feed myself and have grown to prefer that way. My views on almost everything contrast those around me because I wasn’t introduced to my families stand points on many issues and was left to choose my own thoughts on many things. 

Being kicked out has an affect on me emotionally as previously stated. I become emotionally numb. A kind of dull aching pain that I push to the pit of my stomach to try and avoid so I can think rationally about a back up plan. 

Physically, it makes me take inventory of everything I own for the 18th time and proves to be, in the end, stressfull on my body. 

Financially it takes away vital opportunities that can lead to some of my biggest aspersions.

Mentally, which for me, differs from emotions slightly. It severs bonds. I love my aunt dearly and with recent family news and built up guilt, loosing her and my uncle would not make things any easier. I thrive in an environment where I can practice my tenant and renter relationship because not only will I have to be facing that soon as well as it gives me a sense of freedom. Yet I understand how family might view that as me being antisocial and ungrateful.

Getting kicked out could mean several things. I could be moved to a foster family far away from where I am, I could be moved to a family in the same area but it would be likely I wouldn’t last long even in these last few remaining months because the stress I have at the moment is nearly crushing me, add a placement change and I might loose my sanity. It could mean that I get moved to a group home which to me is the equivalent of jail and I surly wouldn’t survive. Lastly it could mean that I have to say goodbye to my friends. It’s been a short time but already I have formed solid bonds. It’s not everyday you can find a group who can jam to 2000 Taylor swift and The Rolling Stones, or play pictionary on the beach on Saturday nights. 

I’m not good at goodbyes, when I left Napa in June and it was confirmed I wouldn’t be returning in August, it nearly ripped my heart out to say goodbye to Ally. These connections that I make with people sometimes last a lifetime and sometimes fall through with distance. 

So being told I’m being kicked out leaves me numb. It consumes every fiber of my being until I can’t feel anything and only hear a ringing in my ears that echoes all the negativity buried in my past. 

What I need is stability, I crave it. Just a few months to be assured the carpet won’t be ripped out from under my feet and can be assured that I won’t be abandoned. I understand and am fully aware that this is a give and take situation. I see any situation in a foster home to be a trade off similar to a tenant and renter regardless ofminey for basic commodities or in my case chores for a bed and food. I try to stay between these lines but if I am rushed with a heavy work load at school, it can be hard to juggle between home life and school. I often prioritize education over chores which is ironic considering my opposition towards college, nonetheless, I still hold education to be a priority no matter how it is obtained. 

Exuses aren’t my goal, if I have a dirty room then I should clean it bottom line, but sometimes I look at a simple task and it seems overwhelming because of anxiety. I don’t expect anyone to understand taht feelings nd know I should just do what’s in front of me but sometimes I just get nervous or stressed and want to hide under my covers all day. Sometimes seemingly for no reason other than just being scared.

Lately, with an uncertain future I have been terrified, with the exreamly likely idea taht I will be kicked out that stress and fear has manifested into a depressed state. All of these factors contributing to a coming cause of anxiety and stress that I don’t talk about because I try earnestly to knock myself out of it and just get done what I need to get done. 

With all that being said, today was a day where I saw a glimpse of some of my biggest dreams and watched them disappear faster than I could even take a good look at what my future my hold. Who knows how things will turn out in the end.

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