Change

Change is inevitable. It’s like trying to guess what a set of waves will look like before it even is seen. We can’t forsee our future as much as we can’t forget our past. The daily routine can be disturbed by the slightest change, but imaging it changing all at once. Everyday something is a little different than before until eventually routines aren’t the ones we started out with. 

We ourselves change drastically. Our hair, our clothes, anything to make it feel as if we have gone through with something that makes us feel like we have altered our ways. So then what is our future without our past? Routines come and go but it doesn’t mean that they never existed, just as people come and go. 

This may seem like a ramble. Quite frankly it is. The only way I feel confident in expressing myself is through writing. A jumble of words on a piece of paper can have such a profound affect on me that it is amazing. 

Lately I haven’t been sharing my personal life on the blog. The reasons vary and don’t seem important anymore. What is important is that I want to share now.

My life has been a series of major changes much as other people’s lives have been. This particular week has been crazy. My life is always crazy but this is different. I am about a month and a half away from being 18. On Monday I found out that I had to move out as soon as I turned 18. I wasn’t angry or sad about it. It was a reality that I just accepted. So I began to search. Monday night I didn’t sleep, searching ads on Craigslist. On Monday morning I searched in my second period class. I found an ad for a room almost out of town. I quickly messaged the person asking about it and by lunch I had an appointment to go look at the place. By that afternoon I was there with my tow friends touring the place. It had all utilities included and the kitchen had an extra shelf for my food. The room itself was spacious with a loft bed. The thing that shocked me the most was the fact that the lady treated me as an adult, as an equal. I suppose I have never really noticed but I have been expected (especially these last few months) to be preparing to be an adult yet put under restrictions that didn’t allow me to learn how to be an adult. The lady said I could move in as soon as this weekend. So I took it. Without hesitation, I took it, went home and with the help of my friends, packed my stuff. 

I felt a bit of whiplash that day. That same evening, the same friend who helped me pack also got me an interview at a restaurant. So much changed in just 24 hours. At first I was scared and made to believe that this wasn’t a positive thing and rushed into it. Now I look at it critically and there was no better way I could have been more efficient, more professional, and more calm than I was. While being told I could do it but facing doubts from those same people who said it, I succeeded. This is what growing up is. I’ve wanted this freedom for what seems like a life time and now I am getting it. With the help of amazing friends, I am making it on my own.

This hasn’t been without conflict. The past 24 hours were a whirlwind of emotion. After two interviews today I’m left with a choice. Something that no matter what I will benefit yet cannot get off my mind. The first interview I had today was for camp. To be a camp counselor. Every year I wait for camp and it’s what I look forward to. Leaving everything behind and reconnecting with great people is the most appealing thing to me. But because I live in a town where the best time to make money is in the summer, and because I have made such great friends and have fallen back in love with my home town, I cannot choose. Stay for the summer or go away. It is unlikely that I can be hired at camp if I don’t go for the entire summer, I have to choose between the two. This is the hardest decision I’ve had to make out of all this change. Perhaps I’ll hate the job and want to go. What I’m afraid of is that I actually don’t mind the job and want to stay because of friends. 

I want to talk about this more in depth but for now I need to sleep and think about the coming days. Life isn’t going to be the same as it ever was. I am no longer a freeloading teenager. The sense of responsibility both frightens and and excites me. Wherever I’m heading I know it isn’t bad, no matter what I choose. 

Ignorance 

Something we all possess no matter the degree. For me personally, I have ignorance for my own feelings and responsibilities. This ignorance is somewhat of a mental block. It grows into a consuming force or it abides by life’s twists and turns yet is still subtly there. 

The saying ignorance is bliss always struck me as funny. I believe it was derived from the Adam and Eve story when the fruit of knowledge was eaten. They had paradise and immortality until they ate the forbidden fruit. I personally don’t believe in the story because the maker of the story emphasizes their tranquility and peace. How can you know peace if you haven’t known war? How can you know light if you haven’t known dark. These sharp contrasts in life help illuminate what is in front of us. Therefore ignorance is not bliss, because you cannot know ignorance of you have not known knowledge. With out knowledge ignorance is non existent.

These small ignorances we struggle with in day to day life can either affect us or not. It depends on so many different factors that it is impossible to generalize it. 

I am ignorant to my feelings and self esteem. I choose to ignore it at all costs hoping it will flutter away when in reality it is a pot that is boiling over, splashing over the sides and sizzling. 

Everyone is prone to this because of their comfort zone. We want to stay in it. That’s human nature. You can never not have some sort of comfort zone. I watched a TED talk about how stepping out of your comfort zone can significantly bring up your confidence. Things like laying down on a busy sidewalk or socializing with people you wouldn’t normally socialize with. Perhaps we can help aid our ignorance with confidence but even in that realm of being you can be ignorant.

I believe the world is set up with rules. These lines that are difficult to cross or can easily be crossed and either way keep us on one side or the other. In other words it can be either a giant ridge that you are trying climb over that represents a line or it can be a tightrope made of floss. Either way, you are usually stuck on one side, never perfectly balanced in the middle.

So perhaps ignorance is one of the many factors that upholds these walls. Regardless we all have them. Some have negative connotations some have positive and others are just neutral. Being ignorant to certain factors of our own lives, our own inner workings, is what makes us human. It’s when the ignorance reaches a level of absurdity that it slides down slope into the idea of absolute negative connotations. 

I strive to vanquish ignorances that threaten the aspects of my life that are needed in order for me to stay afloat. With depleted confidence and sense of self esteem, I have been actively attempting to rid myself of the specific ignorance that I care about what others think of me. If you were to ask me if I cared what people thought, I would say no. I am ignorant to my own personality trait that in fact dismantles my social life. 

I try to work on these ignorances that seem to carry the essence of negativity in order to become a more refined and overall happy person. 

*I have not been writing in the blog for a while for a few reasons. First of all, I’m not going to list some lame half assed excuses on how I have been busy or not had time because in fact I have. I haven’t been writing because the blog has felt like a negitive thing for many reasons and I decided to take a break. I love the blog dearly because I can get everything out but sometime I need to wrestle with my brain as much as I need to write out my thoughts. It wasn’t writers block, more of a writers vacation. For those who have stuck around on the blog, thank you.