Change

Change is inevitable. It’s like trying to guess what a set of waves will look like before it even is seen. We can’t forsee our future as much as we can’t forget our past. The daily routine can be disturbed by the slightest change, but imaging it changing all at once. Everyday something is a little different than before until eventually routines aren’t the ones we started out with. 

We ourselves change drastically. Our hair, our clothes, anything to make it feel as if we have gone through with something that makes us feel like we have altered our ways. So then what is our future without our past? Routines come and go but it doesn’t mean that they never existed, just as people come and go. 

This may seem like a ramble. Quite frankly it is. The only way I feel confident in expressing myself is through writing. A jumble of words on a piece of paper can have such a profound affect on me that it is amazing. 

Lately I haven’t been sharing my personal life on the blog. The reasons vary and don’t seem important anymore. What is important is that I want to share now.

My life has been a series of major changes much as other people’s lives have been. This particular week has been crazy. My life is always crazy but this is different. I am about a month and a half away from being 18. On Monday I found out that I had to move out as soon as I turned 18. I wasn’t angry or sad about it. It was a reality that I just accepted. So I began to search. Monday night I didn’t sleep, searching ads on Craigslist. On Monday morning I searched in my second period class. I found an ad for a room almost out of town. I quickly messaged the person asking about it and by lunch I had an appointment to go look at the place. By that afternoon I was there with my tow friends touring the place. It had all utilities included and the kitchen had an extra shelf for my food. The room itself was spacious with a loft bed. The thing that shocked me the most was the fact that the lady treated me as an adult, as an equal. I suppose I have never really noticed but I have been expected (especially these last few months) to be preparing to be an adult yet put under restrictions that didn’t allow me to learn how to be an adult. The lady said I could move in as soon as this weekend. So I took it. Without hesitation, I took it, went home and with the help of my friends, packed my stuff. 

I felt a bit of whiplash that day. That same evening, the same friend who helped me pack also got me an interview at a restaurant. So much changed in just 24 hours. At first I was scared and made to believe that this wasn’t a positive thing and rushed into it. Now I look at it critically and there was no better way I could have been more efficient, more professional, and more calm than I was. While being told I could do it but facing doubts from those same people who said it, I succeeded. This is what growing up is. I’ve wanted this freedom for what seems like a life time and now I am getting it. With the help of amazing friends, I am making it on my own.

This hasn’t been without conflict. The past 24 hours were a whirlwind of emotion. After two interviews today I’m left with a choice. Something that no matter what I will benefit yet cannot get off my mind. The first interview I had today was for camp. To be a camp counselor. Every year I wait for camp and it’s what I look forward to. Leaving everything behind and reconnecting with great people is the most appealing thing to me. But because I live in a town where the best time to make money is in the summer, and because I have made such great friends and have fallen back in love with my home town, I cannot choose. Stay for the summer or go away. It is unlikely that I can be hired at camp if I don’t go for the entire summer, I have to choose between the two. This is the hardest decision I’ve had to make out of all this change. Perhaps I’ll hate the job and want to go. What I’m afraid of is that I actually don’t mind the job and want to stay because of friends. 

I want to talk about this more in depth but for now I need to sleep and think about the coming days. Life isn’t going to be the same as it ever was. I am no longer a freeloading teenager. The sense of responsibility both frightens and and excites me. Wherever I’m heading I know it isn’t bad, no matter what I choose. 

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