Rock Bottom

I have hit it. No money, no car, no confidence. Fortunately I can only build up from here. How? I have no idea. I am scared to death and the only way to cope is to write and keep focsed on the dream of the van. I have a dream for the next few years. I want to tavel and live in a van and I want to live off of my writing. I dont know how the next few months are going to go for me as far as where I’m going to live, how I’ll make a living, and what resources I can gather.

Stress has been a major factor. Loosing my car was the tipping point of my sanity. Physical changes have occured as far as stress goes. motivation for my current english class is at an all time low because my teacher thinks we (a class of capable seniors) don’t know how to form a paragraph. My feelings towards college have not changed but my self image has morphed into something I have never known. The only ting that has stayed consistant is my dream of the van. Everything else is a jumbled mess that hurts to think about.

My social self has wanted to hide. I am trying to become my own person but its hard when all I want to do is sit in my room and paint. Broken ties and lies have scared me from my friend group. I want some feel of stability and the high of happiness but the rain has put me in a mood that is challenging to break out of.

I now belive Thursdays are my cursed days. I totaled my car on a thursday and had to endure my first big break up on a thursday. The idea of another relationship makes me want to run and I lack interest in pursuing anyone. I am hoping my luck will change but have a feeling my reality isn’t going to improve anytime soon. The blog is growing, not by much but enough to make me apprechiate the little things. Trying not to be sad and trying to make this life rad.

Reality

Life isn’t always fun. Not even close. Today was one of the worst days of my life. 

Picture this: 

A teenage girl driving home from school trying to figure out how to explain to her family why she called her self out of class. A song comes on that she lives but she can’t even appreciate it because she’s going out of her mind insane with how she’ll be dead when she gets home. A car pulls into the street next to her and she looks to see if they are close to her car. As her head swings back to the front of the wheel and her hair brushed her shoulder she sees nothing but break lights. Three cars with in dead stops. She slams on the breaks but the combination of wet pavement and bad breaks doesn’t help. Impact. She is thrust into the steering wheel and then pushed back into her seat while her foot is nailed to the break. She looks at her steering wheel expecting the air bag to deploy and potentially break a rib. She can’t breath and the wind is knocked out of her but she’s okay. Her body is shaking with terror as she comes back to reality. She realizes what’s happened and pulls to the side and puts it in park. Then she wishes the impact would have killed her.

She looks at the couple who get out of their car. The back end seemingly fine while the hood of her car is scrunched up like a scrunchey hair tie. The headlights are shoved into the car. The tears come effortlessly and she fumbles for words. She is in so much trouble, she doesn’t know what to do. This is when it hits her.
Up until this moment I thought I was prepared to be on my own. I thought I knew what to do in every situation and I was nearly an adult. I knew finances were going to be hard but I’d figure it out. Past that, I had it down. I messed up. I totaled my car. I had no idea what to do in such a situation. I am not prepared and I’m terrified of the future. I felt like a little girl thrown into the real world. I don’t know how I’m going to survive.

Networking 

First off, I’m not a social person by nature, I am kind of on the fence of I could be totally outgoing or I could be that one really quiet kid in the class, it really depends on the day. I wouldn’t say I make friends to network and make connecting a that could benefit me. If I make a friend your usually in it for the long haul unless something happens along the way. Lately I have been making friends from all over my school for example I went on a run with Emily tonight and hiked with Gabby earlier.

Gabby and I have complete opposing views on politics yet can still openly talk about it and share information and learn rather than argue. I would not consider her someone I am trying to network off of. That being said she did offer some information that could be potentially vital to my future. Gabby is very outgoing and knows a ton of people and happens to know some college grads who live here in town looking for a roommate next year. Hears the catch: you have to move out furring the summer because the owner rents it as a vacation home. That wouldn’t be a problem for me because I go to my favorite place on earth for around three months.

Let’s say I was the extreamely organized, well thought out person I wish I was: this would fit into my plan in several ways one being that it would be cheap enough to where I could start saving for my van project which after weeks and months, I have tried to ignore, is nearly impossible. I am infatuated by the idea that you could be self sustaining and move whenever you want. I desperately want this lifestyle.

Cutting back on my classes has led to a lot of free time and more time to make stronger connections with people which I really appreciate and is even helping me get in shape. Angelica and Emily have been running with me for the past couple of days ever since I decided not to join the swim team because it sounded like more stress than fun.

With what I want to be in life it is vital that I network while I can and emerge from my shell even further. Honestly I feel like I’ve left this shell so long ago that I’m not even a hermit crab anymore, I’m a crab that lost its shell. This is good because now I can broaden my horizons while being utterly terrified but can be translated into motivation. 

I don’t have the ability to rate my writing but I’d hope that it would be a career option and the more I become devoted to the idea of a van, the more I want to be a journalist.

Aspirations 

Over my lifetime, a whole 17 years, I have felt passionate about several aspirations. When I was twelve I wanted a dog. I wanted a German short haired pointer. At the time, the place I was living, it wasn’t possible to have a dog but I knew that the place I was at was temporary. So I began to plan.

I used my precious internet time to research everything about the breed and to this day still have the folder with all my information. I first found an old skittles piggy bank that I remember to this day and I began to save. I got paid for chores but it didn’t quite cut it. I had to come up with clever ways to make money since I was too young for a job. I began to make jewelry from scraps of old jewelry people didn’t want, stockpiled, and invested in supplies. I made earrings mostly and would go door to door selling them. I was inspired by Where The Red Fern Grows and kept up my hard work. I took on another project of making little pot holders for kitchen ovens. I would use a loom and weave them together then go door to door selling them. I then invested into a car washing devices and washed cars in the warmer months. I worked and worked for 9 months and earned $500. I was $250 short of my goal but I was moving. I finally got my dog. His name was scout and I loved him dearly. 

The moral of the story was my motivation. I haven’t felt this motivation in a long time about anything like I do about this van conversion. It’s brought out my other passionate dream.

I love writing and one day want to write a novel. I don’t have time because school gets in the way, to me school is more of a distraction as I have gotten older. I want to write and travel but how I wanted to do that was unclear until a few months ago. Now I am looking up things to make this dream a reality. It’s hard to ignore a constant itch and this is what taht feels like. I’m hungry for information on vans and continue to research. It’s a long shot and frankly quite crazy but I finally found a motivation. I found the same desire I had when I was 12. Perhaps I can make this dream a reality, but how long will I have to wait this time? 

Guilty Pleasures 

I am a self admitted hoarder. I have so much stuff that it’s a miracle. For someone who has moved nearly every year since they were nine, I have more stuff than my friends who have stayed in the same place their whole lives. I have enough notebooks to last me through life, enough unread magazines to take up all my free time, and enough stuff to feel “comfort”.

I say “comfort” because frankly I don’t need 90% of the things I have. So I have been downsizing, purging if you will. It’s refreshing to get rid of things. It’s like letting go of a weight that has been strapped to you your entire life. Therefore if purging is one of my guilty pleasures what else would there be?

I am OCD about my laundry. My room can look like a bomb went off but if my clothes that are in my drawers aren’t folded just the way I like and aligned then I flip. All my clothes hanging up have to be facing one way and coordinated by season. This is coming from the person who hates to clean. Most of the time you can’t see my floor but you bet if you open my dresser drawer you’ll find my neatly folded and sometimes even color coordinated clothes. I don’t like to do laundry and I don’t like to fold it; however, if it must be done, then it has to be done right. Although this quirk works to my advantage.

My third guilty pleasure is watching van conversions. Currently my dream is to trade my Honda CR-V for a nice van and to do the interior the way I please. Unfortunately I 1) can’t afford a van and conversion and 2) can’t inform people on my graduation announcement to help fund my van life project. 

The dream

I have always wanted to write a novel. I don’t think that it would be a best seller or anything crazy but I want a published book out there with my name on it, hell, maybe even a few. Being a writer means you are your own boss. That would make my can dream possible but then again it would cost. Let’s say perhaps my crazy dream comes true with owning a van and I sell everything that won’t fit in said van. That still leaves expenses of buying equipment to write book and I would hope to use photography in media as a van life contributor so I would have to invest in camera equipment. 

Here’s the sad thing: I have it all planed out. I’ve watched enough conversions that I’m confident in my ability to build the van and I already know what kind of equipment I would need in order to live in the van. If life was perfect and I was able to direct it my way here’s what I’d do: I would first get the van and convert it befor high school is over but not install all of the electrical just yet. I mean I would install it but not till later. In the mean time I will be working as a counselor at my favorite place on earth and after that I want to do a gap year program that involves traveling to gather material for my novel. When I get back from this year of inspiration I want to finish the van and hit the road, visiting and exploring very national park and even perhaps go north to Canada then Alaska. I have a strong desire to do this and have thought about every aspect of it for the past 6 months.

To review, my guilty pleasures are mostly to organize and my dream is to live in a van. I want to take an auto macanic class so I could deal with my van. Unfortunately I will most likely have to go to college and work a sub par job until I can eventually find a place to live and learn to adult. To me that sounds so boring and I am a firm believer in following your dreams and making life as interesting as possible. I believe our time is limited so I’d like to live it to the fullest extent I can.

5 Month break down 

I have come to a complete standstill hence the non frequent posts. A mixture of being done with finals and being relieved that I have less stress that constantly contradicts itself by being the marking point that time is running out. The requirements for college deadlines feel suffocating and the fear of the unknown is more daunting than anything I’ve ever experienced. 

It is currently January which means that the new semester is beginning and marks a new cross road in my high school career. I could graduate with less credits and free up time to possibly get a job or graduate with the required amount and get into college. I have a hunch that a CSU wouldn’t care whether or not I did ten electives that were things I wasn’t interested in but I could be wrong. 

The next thing to worry about is a gap year. I want to do a gap year but I need funding. This is an increasingly difficult thing because I need to register before time is up but also needs professional consultation. Having to work out that slight kink has given me anxiety as well as the fact that I need a place to live if that falls through. I want to travel and be mobile and decrease in the amount of materialistic items I have. 

This is where the van idea comes in. I currently have a 2000 Honda CR-V that is named Darla. Darla and I had a rocky start but we now are best friends. She has attitude but is reliable. I would hate to see her go but a van would be practical. If I were to do a van conversion and live out of it there are technical things I would have to worry about such as the fact that I know nothing about auto macanics and I would have to invest time and money into making it functional without the help of a professional. 

At the moment I am in a floating stage of my senior year, the calm before the storm if you will. Hopefully I will be okay in the end. Stability for the meantime will remain in the present but who knows about the future. 

The complex meaning of love

*Warning*

The following is a complete BS college essay but I ended up liking it.

Some believe in this nearly undefinable term, others refuse to accept it. Philosophers, writers, artists and people around the world have marveled at this term, this idea, this mystery. Some would say love is just a frequency of energy shared between two people, Dr. Suess would define it as a mutually shared weirdness, and others say it’s the chemistry of hormones. All of which aren’t wrong but wouldn’t agreeably be accurate. The definition varies among each individual just as the meaning of life would vary. There is no one simple answer to one of life’s true mysteries. Trying to explain love to someone who has never experienced it is like trying to explain color to a color blind person. How does someone simply define a color?

An explanation of love could be simply wandering the earth seeing shades of grey until suddenly one day two souls pass coincidentally and suddenly the world is filled with color. A vibrace nearly incomprehensible. Every high feels like soaring and every low feels like a cold, relentless wind that can tear a person apart piece by piece. Why does some love last and some doesn’t? If people are taught, from a young age, that one day they will fall in love then they will forever hold the expectation of love. The first person to come across with promising characteristics and share a common connection through interests can be easily mistaken for a soulmate. When every sign pointed to the answer of no they held on simply because they were terrified to let go of something they invested in even when, inevitably, it wasn’t meant to be. So the question remains: can we trust ourselves to find the true definition of love or will we be mistaken?

So most colleges dont like it when kids write about relaionships because they tend to ramble on about an emotinal break up however I didn’t write about a specific relationship and the essay was on a topic of my choice. Since I’m too busy to write blog posts becuase finals are coming up, this is what I could manage. Not even sorry.