Thursday

I wasn’t kidding when I said they were cursed. The worst things happen to me on Thursdays. 

Today I was told I was being kicked out. I’d like to look at this from a few different aspects. Many teens especially my age are told this same phrase including some of my closest friends. Getting kicked out for them means crashing at a friend’s house. For me, that means I have to live with another foster family. It means I have to start all over again. 

Financially it is a train wreck to even think about and would put my dreams on hold. Emotionally it would probably kill me. 

Since I could cook eggs I have been independent. I prefer to do things my way; however as a minor, you are not allowed to do what you want because you have to follow rules and guidelines lines. That’s just a fact of life. My childhood consisted of figuring things out for myself and learning what to do on my own. I have been independent for a long time.

This isn’t saying that once I move out I’ll know exactly what to do. I actually have no clue what to do as far as paying bills and doing taxes. I’m independent in other ways though. Education has always been an independent thing for me, people who have been in my life have cared about my grades but never especially pushed to get straight As and so that is one thing that I took into my own hands. As far as feeding myself I would consider that an independent thing, in many of the homes I have lived in I was expected to feed myself and have grown to prefer that way. My views on almost everything contrast those around me because I wasn’t introduced to my families stand points on many issues and was left to choose my own thoughts on many things. 

Being kicked out has an affect on me emotionally as previously stated. I become emotionally numb. A kind of dull aching pain that I push to the pit of my stomach to try and avoid so I can think rationally about a back up plan. 

Physically, it makes me take inventory of everything I own for the 18th time and proves to be, in the end, stressfull on my body. 

Financially it takes away vital opportunities that can lead to some of my biggest aspersions.

Mentally, which for me, differs from emotions slightly. It severs bonds. I love my aunt dearly and with recent family news and built up guilt, loosing her and my uncle would not make things any easier. I thrive in an environment where I can practice my tenant and renter relationship because not only will I have to be facing that soon as well as it gives me a sense of freedom. Yet I understand how family might view that as me being antisocial and ungrateful.

Getting kicked out could mean several things. I could be moved to a foster family far away from where I am, I could be moved to a family in the same area but it would be likely I wouldn’t last long even in these last few remaining months because the stress I have at the moment is nearly crushing me, add a placement change and I might loose my sanity. It could mean that I get moved to a group home which to me is the equivalent of jail and I surly wouldn’t survive. Lastly it could mean that I have to say goodbye to my friends. It’s been a short time but already I have formed solid bonds. It’s not everyday you can find a group who can jam to 2000 Taylor swift and The Rolling Stones, or play pictionary on the beach on Saturday nights. 

I’m not good at goodbyes, when I left Napa in June and it was confirmed I wouldn’t be returning in August, it nearly ripped my heart out to say goodbye to Ally. These connections that I make with people sometimes last a lifetime and sometimes fall through with distance. 

So being told I’m being kicked out leaves me numb. It consumes every fiber of my being until I can’t feel anything and only hear a ringing in my ears that echoes all the negativity buried in my past. 

What I need is stability, I crave it. Just a few months to be assured the carpet won’t be ripped out from under my feet and can be assured that I won’t be abandoned. I understand and am fully aware that this is a give and take situation. I see any situation in a foster home to be a trade off similar to a tenant and renter regardless ofminey for basic commodities or in my case chores for a bed and food. I try to stay between these lines but if I am rushed with a heavy work load at school, it can be hard to juggle between home life and school. I often prioritize education over chores which is ironic considering my opposition towards college, nonetheless, I still hold education to be a priority no matter how it is obtained. 

Exuses aren’t my goal, if I have a dirty room then I should clean it bottom line, but sometimes I look at a simple task and it seems overwhelming because of anxiety. I don’t expect anyone to understand taht feelings nd know I should just do what’s in front of me but sometimes I just get nervous or stressed and want to hide under my covers all day. Sometimes seemingly for no reason other than just being scared.

Lately, with an uncertain future I have been terrified, with the exreamly likely idea taht I will be kicked out that stress and fear has manifested into a depressed state. All of these factors contributing to a coming cause of anxiety and stress that I don’t talk about because I try earnestly to knock myself out of it and just get done what I need to get done. 

With all that being said, today was a day where I saw a glimpse of some of my biggest dreams and watched them disappear faster than I could even take a good look at what my future my hold. Who knows how things will turn out in the end.

Guilty Pleasures 

I am a self admitted hoarder. I have so much stuff that it’s a miracle. For someone who has moved nearly every year since they were nine, I have more stuff than my friends who have stayed in the same place their whole lives. I have enough notebooks to last me through life, enough unread magazines to take up all my free time, and enough stuff to feel “comfort”.

I say “comfort” because frankly I don’t need 90% of the things I have. So I have been downsizing, purging if you will. It’s refreshing to get rid of things. It’s like letting go of a weight that has been strapped to you your entire life. Therefore if purging is one of my guilty pleasures what else would there be?

I am OCD about my laundry. My room can look like a bomb went off but if my clothes that are in my drawers aren’t folded just the way I like and aligned then I flip. All my clothes hanging up have to be facing one way and coordinated by season. This is coming from the person who hates to clean. Most of the time you can’t see my floor but you bet if you open my dresser drawer you’ll find my neatly folded and sometimes even color coordinated clothes. I don’t like to do laundry and I don’t like to fold it; however, if it must be done, then it has to be done right. Although this quirk works to my advantage.

My third guilty pleasure is watching van conversions. Currently my dream is to trade my Honda CR-V for a nice van and to do the interior the way I please. Unfortunately I 1) can’t afford a van and conversion and 2) can’t inform people on my graduation announcement to help fund my van life project. 

The dream

I have always wanted to write a novel. I don’t think that it would be a best seller or anything crazy but I want a published book out there with my name on it, hell, maybe even a few. Being a writer means you are your own boss. That would make my can dream possible but then again it would cost. Let’s say perhaps my crazy dream comes true with owning a van and I sell everything that won’t fit in said van. That still leaves expenses of buying equipment to write book and I would hope to use photography in media as a van life contributor so I would have to invest in camera equipment. 

Here’s the sad thing: I have it all planed out. I’ve watched enough conversions that I’m confident in my ability to build the van and I already know what kind of equipment I would need in order to live in the van. If life was perfect and I was able to direct it my way here’s what I’d do: I would first get the van and convert it befor high school is over but not install all of the electrical just yet. I mean I would install it but not till later. In the mean time I will be working as a counselor at my favorite place on earth and after that I want to do a gap year program that involves traveling to gather material for my novel. When I get back from this year of inspiration I want to finish the van and hit the road, visiting and exploring very national park and even perhaps go north to Canada then Alaska. I have a strong desire to do this and have thought about every aspect of it for the past 6 months.

To review, my guilty pleasures are mostly to organize and my dream is to live in a van. I want to take an auto macanic class so I could deal with my van. Unfortunately I will most likely have to go to college and work a sub par job until I can eventually find a place to live and learn to adult. To me that sounds so boring and I am a firm believer in following your dreams and making life as interesting as possible. I believe our time is limited so I’d like to live it to the fullest extent I can.

Breathe

Lately I have been watching a lot of videos by Casey Neinstat. I’d say he qualifies as one my inspirations. He didn’t go to college and had a kid at a vey young age. Now he is one of the top youtubers and a fantastic film maker. He makes videos on his life adventures  and tries to live life to the fullest. He is an inspiration not because of his success, but because of his use of his life.

This blog is titled breathe because I keep forgetting to. I let everything really get to me. In a week and a half I’m going on vacation and I am determined to be relaxed. I have officially decided that I am going to college. Yes, it pains me to say this but I feel like I have no other choice. I am already disappointing by going to a state school instead of a four year, if I didn’t go to school at all, I might be excommunicated from my family. 

Reasons why I have to go to college:

1) I have to stay on good terms with my family because there is going to come a day where I haven’t done laundry in over a month and will need a hot meal and clean clothes. If I don’t go  to college I can’t guarantee that simple friendly gestures like this will be readily available. 

2) I need to be looked at as professional. I refuse to get stuck in a 9 to 5 job somewhere I hate but I will need a college degree to get a well paying job because that’s how the world works. A sheet of paper that claims I’ve done lots of great things in school determines whether I live in a box or a house.  Therefore, I need this in order to have money to live.

3) I simply don’t have enough time. I want to build a van and travel across the country and there’s no way I could do that in six months with no money. I am also hoping I get talked out of the idea of living out of a van but probably won’t because I want to be able to save money to travel and rent is far from cheap. So I might as well get a degree and spend time on fulfilling this dream while I can.

It makes me really sad that I have come to this realization because I am so morally against going. I hate finals as is and I know that in college it will be ten times worse. However, it wouldn’t be smart not to. There are people who have made it out there without a college education but that’s a on in a million chance and they had to work ten times harder. As much as I  would like to believe that I am a special being that could somehow develope amazing business skills in less than six months and accumulate enough money to travel the world, it’s just not possible. I have also realized that my aunt, whom I am living with, has said that I am officially going to be moved out June 10th so I need a place to go. 

I’ve really tried to dig at the root cause of why I don’t want to go. It’s not like I’m so socially awkward that I will become a complete and total introverte. I have had roommates and know how to get along with people just fine. The social aspect of college isn’t the issue. I am just tired of stress. I relish the day when I will finally be able to burn all of my school papers and officially be able to say “I’m done”. Thinking about how that moment will have to come in a fewmore years rather than few more months is borderline depressing. I know that big dreams come at big costs and unfortunately I can’t even talk my own self out of traveling the world. Perhaps it’s the fact that I have lost motivation in school and honestly don’t know I will have the ability to graduate because my ambition is so low. 

Whatever the case may be. I have to. I don’t have a choice. It deeply pains me to say that but I am at my wits end. I cannot think of another scenario where I am able to achieve my dreams without college. So for now I have to force myself to bite the bullet and just do it. I will get a chance to relax this summer but after that I just have to do it.

I was watching The Princess Bride the other day with a few friends. It’s one of my favorite movies and I’ve see it a hundred times or more but this time something stuck out. There’s a part in the movie where Wesley says to princess Buttercup, “Life is pain. Anyone who tells you differently is selling something.” It stuck out and spoke to me. All my life people have been telling me I am going have to do things I don’t want to do and all my life I have. That won’t change when I turn 18. There is always going to be something you don’t want to do. You can either do it and get it over with or you can drive yourself insane trying to avoid it. 

Maybe in another life I could have it my way. Here’s a blurry picture of a plant just after it rained because rain makes me sad, just like college.

Stress

I am naturally a stressed out person. I stress out about everything, from the outfit I’m going to wear tomorrow, to actually serious things. Lately I’ve had a different kind of stress. It’s more like a panic. 

College

Just the thought of it makes me cringe. I cannot find the motivation to push myself to like it or be interested in it. They say, “oh school is different as you get older because you get to pick your classes”. Well yes and no. I got to pick my classes in high school but that doesn’t mean I don’t have to do common core classes. It’s the same in college, you are required to take certain classes to graduate. I’m not exactly the type of person who thinks about the college I want to go to and get really pumped. 

But Hannah, you’ll have so much fun in college, it’ll be a new experience!

I don’t doubt that it wouldn’t have fun. That’s not the issue here. It’s not something that interests me. College and high school are the same except you have to fend for yourself in one and the other you’re more sheltered. This is how I see it, I have been fending for myself since I was nine years old. I don’t honestly think that college is going to be an eye opening difference for me. I’m not going to some big fancy college either. I would probably go to a state college or a community one. Just thinking about it gets me stressed out.
If not college, then what?

That’s a great question. I am the only teenager, or at least 17 year old girl, who wants to live in a van and go backpacking in every national park in the U.S. That I know. Yeah, I couldn’t make money doing this unless I was super creative in a way to support myself. So although it’s one of my biggest dreams it’s rather unachievable for several reasons: 1) as much as I’d like to say it is, it’s not safe to travel alone. 2) I have no automotive knowledge to help me out when my said van breaks down. 3) There would be no source of income. Well okay so if living in a van is unachievable, I might as well go to college. Wrong. I am a firm believer in following your dreams, as cheesy as it may sound. If I can’t do that I want to via the van life then I want to travel, someway, somehow. There are programs such as WOOF that let you travel the world and work on organic farms, you only have to pay for transportation to said place. Again the problem with this is that there is no source of income. Okay what next? To be completely honest, that’s as far as I got. I think it’s the fact that I’ve heard the same line over and over again “You just have to do it for a few more years, keep going.” Well now it’s going to be my legal choice wheather I want to go to college or not and further my education. It doesn’t help that I don’t believe in standardized tests and I willl not, for the life of me, get stuck in a 9-5 job that I hate. There is no point in spending the majority of your life unhappy just to pay the bills. I rather be poor and truly happy than rich and bored with life. Money is only a tool we use to achieve our dreams, hence I have none. I refuse to live a mundane life as a saburban housewife. Some may argue that the way to avoid this is to get an education, I both agree and disagree with this statement. 
How I paln to live 

I agree that education can further carry you in life. I find that schooling and education are two completely different things. Mark Twain once said “don’t let schooling interfere with your education.” This has been an itch in my brain since the fourth grade. I always thought they were the same thing until I really began to enjoy learning. 

I recently discovered that the man who invented the SAT’s never ment for it to be an actual test. People are unique yet we are all critiqued under one general platform. I refuse to live by a number that is supposed to define my intelligence and an administration that uses the same system to grade meat as to grade kids. Many will disagree with me on this but I believe that unless something sticks, you’re not really learning. There are so few teachers who have actual engaging classes and I find it sad. We are all just taking classes to get a grade, to get into college, to get a job that pays well. I don’t want to live according to that plan. I rather be happy than force myself back into something I won’t utilize because it hinders my creativity as well as my spirit. And yes, all of my friends think I’m a complete hippy.