Thursday

I wasn’t kidding when I said they were cursed. The worst things happen to me on Thursdays. 

Today I was told I was being kicked out. I’d like to look at this from a few different aspects. Many teens especially my age are told this same phrase including some of my closest friends. Getting kicked out for them means crashing at a friend’s house. For me, that means I have to live with another foster family. It means I have to start all over again. 

Financially it is a train wreck to even think about and would put my dreams on hold. Emotionally it would probably kill me. 

Since I could cook eggs I have been independent. I prefer to do things my way; however as a minor, you are not allowed to do what you want because you have to follow rules and guidelines lines. That’s just a fact of life. My childhood consisted of figuring things out for myself and learning what to do on my own. I have been independent for a long time.

This isn’t saying that once I move out I’ll know exactly what to do. I actually have no clue what to do as far as paying bills and doing taxes. I’m independent in other ways though. Education has always been an independent thing for me, people who have been in my life have cared about my grades but never especially pushed to get straight As and so that is one thing that I took into my own hands. As far as feeding myself I would consider that an independent thing, in many of the homes I have lived in I was expected to feed myself and have grown to prefer that way. My views on almost everything contrast those around me because I wasn’t introduced to my families stand points on many issues and was left to choose my own thoughts on many things. 

Being kicked out has an affect on me emotionally as previously stated. I become emotionally numb. A kind of dull aching pain that I push to the pit of my stomach to try and avoid so I can think rationally about a back up plan. 

Physically, it makes me take inventory of everything I own for the 18th time and proves to be, in the end, stressfull on my body. 

Financially it takes away vital opportunities that can lead to some of my biggest aspersions.

Mentally, which for me, differs from emotions slightly. It severs bonds. I love my aunt dearly and with recent family news and built up guilt, loosing her and my uncle would not make things any easier. I thrive in an environment where I can practice my tenant and renter relationship because not only will I have to be facing that soon as well as it gives me a sense of freedom. Yet I understand how family might view that as me being antisocial and ungrateful.

Getting kicked out could mean several things. I could be moved to a foster family far away from where I am, I could be moved to a family in the same area but it would be likely I wouldn’t last long even in these last few remaining months because the stress I have at the moment is nearly crushing me, add a placement change and I might loose my sanity. It could mean that I get moved to a group home which to me is the equivalent of jail and I surly wouldn’t survive. Lastly it could mean that I have to say goodbye to my friends. It’s been a short time but already I have formed solid bonds. It’s not everyday you can find a group who can jam to 2000 Taylor swift and The Rolling Stones, or play pictionary on the beach on Saturday nights. 

I’m not good at goodbyes, when I left Napa in June and it was confirmed I wouldn’t be returning in August, it nearly ripped my heart out to say goodbye to Ally. These connections that I make with people sometimes last a lifetime and sometimes fall through with distance. 

So being told I’m being kicked out leaves me numb. It consumes every fiber of my being until I can’t feel anything and only hear a ringing in my ears that echoes all the negativity buried in my past. 

What I need is stability, I crave it. Just a few months to be assured the carpet won’t be ripped out from under my feet and can be assured that I won’t be abandoned. I understand and am fully aware that this is a give and take situation. I see any situation in a foster home to be a trade off similar to a tenant and renter regardless ofminey for basic commodities or in my case chores for a bed and food. I try to stay between these lines but if I am rushed with a heavy work load at school, it can be hard to juggle between home life and school. I often prioritize education over chores which is ironic considering my opposition towards college, nonetheless, I still hold education to be a priority no matter how it is obtained. 

Exuses aren’t my goal, if I have a dirty room then I should clean it bottom line, but sometimes I look at a simple task and it seems overwhelming because of anxiety. I don’t expect anyone to understand taht feelings nd know I should just do what’s in front of me but sometimes I just get nervous or stressed and want to hide under my covers all day. Sometimes seemingly for no reason other than just being scared.

Lately, with an uncertain future I have been terrified, with the exreamly likely idea taht I will be kicked out that stress and fear has manifested into a depressed state. All of these factors contributing to a coming cause of anxiety and stress that I don’t talk about because I try earnestly to knock myself out of it and just get done what I need to get done. 

With all that being said, today was a day where I saw a glimpse of some of my biggest dreams and watched them disappear faster than I could even take a good look at what my future my hold. Who knows how things will turn out in the end.

Day dreaming

There is a place I dream of… everyday.

The sun is warm and the sound of the breeze and birds lifts my soul. The laughter of great company echos nearby while I doze in the shade. The lake glistens, its reflective surface resembling diamonds. The  rocky mountains rise from the lake and seem ever intimidating to one who has not yet climbed the ridges, but to me, they feel like home. The nearby stream tumbles away from a cool, refreshing spring where frogs and Minos play. Tiger lilies grow wild and capture the beauty of this alpine bliss. The trees sway with the gentle breeze while the various insects buzz about them. Stress seems to melt, just the feeling of a simplistic yet memorable day is left in your mind. Friends feel more like family, nature feels more like home. The days are long and lazy but yet every moment is cherished.

At night the campfire glows and people laugh and sing. No one is a stranger. An overwhelming feeling of happiness fills your heart when you look around and smell the air. In the distance the lake laps at the shore. The moon sheds a pale light over everything it touches, making everything look like a dream. When you finally rest your head at night you gaze up at the millions of stars and contemplate life. You wonder about the galaxies and other universes but you are brought back to reality when you hear the trees swoosh against a warm breeze. You don’t know much but you know you are forever peaceful in this place you call home. 

Stress

I am naturally a stressed out person. I stress out about everything, from the outfit I’m going to wear tomorrow, to actually serious things. Lately I’ve had a different kind of stress. It’s more like a panic. 

College

Just the thought of it makes me cringe. I cannot find the motivation to push myself to like it or be interested in it. They say, “oh school is different as you get older because you get to pick your classes”. Well yes and no. I got to pick my classes in high school but that doesn’t mean I don’t have to do common core classes. It’s the same in college, you are required to take certain classes to graduate. I’m not exactly the type of person who thinks about the college I want to go to and get really pumped. 

But Hannah, you’ll have so much fun in college, it’ll be a new experience!

I don’t doubt that it wouldn’t have fun. That’s not the issue here. It’s not something that interests me. College and high school are the same except you have to fend for yourself in one and the other you’re more sheltered. This is how I see it, I have been fending for myself since I was nine years old. I don’t honestly think that college is going to be an eye opening difference for me. I’m not going to some big fancy college either. I would probably go to a state college or a community one. Just thinking about it gets me stressed out.
If not college, then what?

That’s a great question. I am the only teenager, or at least 17 year old girl, who wants to live in a van and go backpacking in every national park in the U.S. That I know. Yeah, I couldn’t make money doing this unless I was super creative in a way to support myself. So although it’s one of my biggest dreams it’s rather unachievable for several reasons: 1) as much as I’d like to say it is, it’s not safe to travel alone. 2) I have no automotive knowledge to help me out when my said van breaks down. 3) There would be no source of income. Well okay so if living in a van is unachievable, I might as well go to college. Wrong. I am a firm believer in following your dreams, as cheesy as it may sound. If I can’t do that I want to via the van life then I want to travel, someway, somehow. There are programs such as WOOF that let you travel the world and work on organic farms, you only have to pay for transportation to said place. Again the problem with this is that there is no source of income. Okay what next? To be completely honest, that’s as far as I got. I think it’s the fact that I’ve heard the same line over and over again “You just have to do it for a few more years, keep going.” Well now it’s going to be my legal choice wheather I want to go to college or not and further my education. It doesn’t help that I don’t believe in standardized tests and I willl not, for the life of me, get stuck in a 9-5 job that I hate. There is no point in spending the majority of your life unhappy just to pay the bills. I rather be poor and truly happy than rich and bored with life. Money is only a tool we use to achieve our dreams, hence I have none. I refuse to live a mundane life as a saburban housewife. Some may argue that the way to avoid this is to get an education, I both agree and disagree with this statement. 
How I paln to live 

I agree that education can further carry you in life. I find that schooling and education are two completely different things. Mark Twain once said “don’t let schooling interfere with your education.” This has been an itch in my brain since the fourth grade. I always thought they were the same thing until I really began to enjoy learning. 

I recently discovered that the man who invented the SAT’s never ment for it to be an actual test. People are unique yet we are all critiqued under one general platform. I refuse to live by a number that is supposed to define my intelligence and an administration that uses the same system to grade meat as to grade kids. Many will disagree with me on this but I believe that unless something sticks, you’re not really learning. There are so few teachers who have actual engaging classes and I find it sad. We are all just taking classes to get a grade, to get into college, to get a job that pays well. I don’t want to live according to that plan. I rather be happy than force myself back into something I won’t utilize because it hinders my creativity as well as my spirit. And yes, all of my friends think I’m a complete hippy.