Change

Change is inevitable. It’s like trying to guess what a set of waves will look like before it even is seen. We can’t forsee our future as much as we can’t forget our past. The daily routine can be disturbed by the slightest change, but imaging it changing all at once. Everyday something is a little different than before until eventually routines aren’t the ones we started out with. 

We ourselves change drastically. Our hair, our clothes, anything to make it feel as if we have gone through with something that makes us feel like we have altered our ways. So then what is our future without our past? Routines come and go but it doesn’t mean that they never existed, just as people come and go. 

This may seem like a ramble. Quite frankly it is. The only way I feel confident in expressing myself is through writing. A jumble of words on a piece of paper can have such a profound affect on me that it is amazing. 

Lately I haven’t been sharing my personal life on the blog. The reasons vary and don’t seem important anymore. What is important is that I want to share now.

My life has been a series of major changes much as other people’s lives have been. This particular week has been crazy. My life is always crazy but this is different. I am about a month and a half away from being 18. On Monday I found out that I had to move out as soon as I turned 18. I wasn’t angry or sad about it. It was a reality that I just accepted. So I began to search. Monday night I didn’t sleep, searching ads on Craigslist. On Monday morning I searched in my second period class. I found an ad for a room almost out of town. I quickly messaged the person asking about it and by lunch I had an appointment to go look at the place. By that afternoon I was there with my tow friends touring the place. It had all utilities included and the kitchen had an extra shelf for my food. The room itself was spacious with a loft bed. The thing that shocked me the most was the fact that the lady treated me as an adult, as an equal. I suppose I have never really noticed but I have been expected (especially these last few months) to be preparing to be an adult yet put under restrictions that didn’t allow me to learn how to be an adult. The lady said I could move in as soon as this weekend. So I took it. Without hesitation, I took it, went home and with the help of my friends, packed my stuff. 

I felt a bit of whiplash that day. That same evening, the same friend who helped me pack also got me an interview at a restaurant. So much changed in just 24 hours. At first I was scared and made to believe that this wasn’t a positive thing and rushed into it. Now I look at it critically and there was no better way I could have been more efficient, more professional, and more calm than I was. While being told I could do it but facing doubts from those same people who said it, I succeeded. This is what growing up is. I’ve wanted this freedom for what seems like a life time and now I am getting it. With the help of amazing friends, I am making it on my own.

This hasn’t been without conflict. The past 24 hours were a whirlwind of emotion. After two interviews today I’m left with a choice. Something that no matter what I will benefit yet cannot get off my mind. The first interview I had today was for camp. To be a camp counselor. Every year I wait for camp and it’s what I look forward to. Leaving everything behind and reconnecting with great people is the most appealing thing to me. But because I live in a town where the best time to make money is in the summer, and because I have made such great friends and have fallen back in love with my home town, I cannot choose. Stay for the summer or go away. It is unlikely that I can be hired at camp if I don’t go for the entire summer, I have to choose between the two. This is the hardest decision I’ve had to make out of all this change. Perhaps I’ll hate the job and want to go. What I’m afraid of is that I actually don’t mind the job and want to stay because of friends. 

I want to talk about this more in depth but for now I need to sleep and think about the coming days. Life isn’t going to be the same as it ever was. I am no longer a freeloading teenager. The sense of responsibility both frightens and and excites me. Wherever I’m heading I know it isn’t bad, no matter what I choose. 

The complex meaning of love

*Warning*

The following is a complete BS college essay but I ended up liking it.

Some believe in this nearly undefinable term, others refuse to accept it. Philosophers, writers, artists and people around the world have marveled at this term, this idea, this mystery. Some would say love is just a frequency of energy shared between two people, Dr. Suess would define it as a mutually shared weirdness, and others say it’s the chemistry of hormones. All of which aren’t wrong but wouldn’t agreeably be accurate. The definition varies among each individual just as the meaning of life would vary. There is no one simple answer to one of life’s true mysteries. Trying to explain love to someone who has never experienced it is like trying to explain color to a color blind person. How does someone simply define a color?

An explanation of love could be simply wandering the earth seeing shades of grey until suddenly one day two souls pass coincidentally and suddenly the world is filled with color. A vibrace nearly incomprehensible. Every high feels like soaring and every low feels like a cold, relentless wind that can tear a person apart piece by piece. Why does some love last and some doesn’t? If people are taught, from a young age, that one day they will fall in love then they will forever hold the expectation of love. The first person to come across with promising characteristics and share a common connection through interests can be easily mistaken for a soulmate. When every sign pointed to the answer of no they held on simply because they were terrified to let go of something they invested in even when, inevitably, it wasn’t meant to be. So the question remains: can we trust ourselves to find the true definition of love or will we be mistaken?

So most colleges dont like it when kids write about relaionships because they tend to ramble on about an emotinal break up however I didn’t write about a specific relationship and the essay was on a topic of my choice. Since I’m too busy to write blog posts becuase finals are coming up, this is what I could manage. Not even sorry.

The high school complex

If I could write a letter to my freshmen self this is how it would go:

     This is going to be crazy in ways you don’t even understand yet. You’re life isn’t going to be normal or the same, however you define that now. I don’t want to depress you but it’s going to be rough. You’re going to have some amazing moments. Cherish them.

Let’s start with boys, you feel like they don’t even know you exist. It’s okay, they aren’t worth all the hype. You don’t need to try and prove something to them by changing everything about yourself. Don’t base your self esteem on them either. When you get older you will think you’re in love and even cry over these boys. It’s really hard to figure out the ones that are worth those tears but you’ll figure it out. Don’t rush into things that everyone else is doing. You’re not lame for doing that, do what’s comfortable. 

Your hoodie collection is not a bad thing. You don’t have to dress up every week because you feel like people won’t accept you if you don’t. Please just be yourself, people like you, just ask your friends

Speaking of friends, it’s going to be a rough one. Sometimes you won’t be able to tell who’s there with you or not, just know taht you will figure it out. These are the ones who will cry with you at 2 am because you both didn’t get asked to the dance. The ones who push you to go outside of your comfort zones to experience life. The ones you can blast old school Taylor swift with and sing and don’t care what anyone thinks. The ones who don’t judge your imperfections and pick you up when you’re down. Your going to want to give your all to these people but some are illusions. Don’t waste your time and energy on people who seem to be untouchable. 

Lastly, accept yourself. Don’t you dare look in that mirror and criticize the way your clothes look or the fact that you think your face is too round and your hips are too wide or your not skinny enough. Quit the smoothie only diet, you need real food. Look at yourself once a day and say something positive. Please, it’ll save us both some trouble. You are stubborn but please be as accepting of other people as you can. You’ll be wiser if you do.

You are beautiful inside and out, maybe if you hear it from yourself, you’ll finally start believing it. Be true to yourself and others and you will be fine. Ignore the ones who are trying to drag you down. 

Sincerely your senior self
The high school complex:

Whoever said you discover yourself in high school is not a person to trust. I don’t know myself and I’m about to graduate. Who am I supposed to be? That’s not important right now. I’m in high school, I am just trying to figure out the basics before actual life comes around and puts a wrench in everything. The drama that you can get caught in is flabbergasting. Who would’ve thought high school could become just a like a reality tv show. 

I think to find myself I need to go on a trip by myself. Be alone with maybe a dog for company and just explore. I am terrified of myself because I don’t get along with myself. People say I’m contradicting because I am in a constant battle with myself. I just need to find myself my own way. 

High school has never been easy and it’s not going to suddenly become effortless. Perhaps in a different lifetime it was different but for now it’s the same as it’s always been. 

Also high school in movies is not at all what they are like in reality. You wish they were that exciting.

New Years 

New year new me? Haha no. I don’t believe in sudden change at the strike of a clock. I believe change happens gradually with the agreement of your subconscious. So I have not changed since December 31st 2016 at 11:59pm. Anyways, enough ramble about my New Years philosophy.

*A short vent about the wordpress Mobile app:

I would like to personally thank WordPress for deleting my first version of this post (it only took me an hour to write). It’s greatly appreciated. 

Also I didn’t want to write a blog post about the travel back from Baja because it’s not that interesting, trust me. It was an average plane ride accept I was lucky enough to get chosen for the random security check. 

New Years evening:

Let me start by saying I’m not very social, or at least I wasn’t through most of high school (which I’m still in). Last New Years I went to bed at 9pm and ate a bowl of ice cream. My 60 year old great aunt did more partying than me that night. 

When I lived in Napa I was socially restricted in many ways so I have had to learn how to be social. My friends, Taylor and Jelly, that I mentioned in a previous post, have been undoubtedly significant in my social flourishing. They have introduced me to many new people which is great because I couldn’t have done it on my own. I’ve grown more comfortable and confident than I could have ever imagined. So let me explain how this was taken to another level on New Years. 

Our plans are messy and we usually don’t have a solid plan until the last minute. We are teenagers, what can you expect?  Well on this particular night many things were going a bit wrong but in the end they resolved themselves. Jelly almost couldn’t make it but was able to last minute which was great. So we all headed to the clock tower for the count down. On the way there we ran into a ton of people I knew. We ran into a few that I have known from elementary and who have grown in popularity. After being greeted by a dozen people I knew, I felt confident in my social capabilities. 

We have a group of friends known as simply “the boys”. Creative, I know. Well they joined us in the affair of walking to the clock tower and taking part in the countdown. Let me preface this with the fact that I don’t dance. I mean this as in I physically cannot dance, but I did. Taylor, Jelly, and I all danced while “the boys” laughed at us. We didn’t care, we were enjoying ourselves. When the clock striked midnight we decided to go to the beach. 

It has been particularly cold and by cold I mean it has been freezing. But you know, who doesn’t want to go to the beach at 12:30 am? We went and Taylor and some of the boys jumped in the water. I knew I didn’t want to freeze. Afterwards we all headed to Jelly’s swimming pool to swim. Being the dead of winter, none of us had swim suits. This wasn’t a problem though because in the short amount of time we have known each other, we have grown increasingly more comfortable. In other words, we swam in our underwear. 

The pool wasn’t that warm so we ran to the pool shower and sauna where we hung out for a while then got a ride from Taylor’s mom home. Taylor, Alec, and I all crammed in Taylor’s bed while Alex slept on the floor. The night was great. 

Of course for the past few days Jelly, Taylor, and I have been inseparable. The boys have been hanging out every night and last night we made a giant super bed in the living room and all slept there. Today we went on a hike and watched movies while it rained an incredible amount considering California’s drought. We have grown so comfortable with each other that it’s like we are practically siblings. 

My friends back in Napa feel that I am changing and being influenced negatively, what they don’t understand that this is the first time I have been able to be myself aside from being able to at my favorite place on earth. It’s hard explaining this to them because they are a year behind me now and don’t realize that I am trying to make the most of my lasts year of high school (which has already been greater than all of my years in high school combined). It’s hard to explain that this profound change has occurred because my blissful dream is bleeding into my reality. My dreams are coming true and I have some of the best people I have ever met by my side. I don’t blame them for not understanding, perhaps when they feel they can be themselves, they too will understand. 

Happy new Years and holidays to everyone! 

Stress (pt.2)

Again I’m a super stressed out person, we covered that. Well my history teacher, as if sensing my stress, mentioned a statistic that was in no way shape or form even remotely relevent to the class discussion. Anyways the statistic was that 1 in 3 cal state students are homeless. A few things to consider: it’s credibility for one thing. Frankly I’m too tired to look up whether this is true or not.

*hmm wonder why I start blogging at midnight every night*

If it is true though, I wouldn’t be surprised. You know that feeling when you know your not doing the right thing? For example when you got caught cheating on a test. That’s how the mere thought of college makes me feel. I feel physically sick. Yes, it is incredibly difficult to make a living without a college degree, not impossible, but very difficult. I could blame this aversion to college on many things. Lately I have been reintroduced  back into my hometown, the place I feel I truly belong. With all in consideration, I have been considering my self image but also my philosophies that I swear by.

I cannot pin point why I am practically allergic to the idea of college but I’ve had a rude awakening. I believe everyone has a purpose, possibly the reason we are here. Perhaps that’s the reason I am running from further education. It could be that I’m a typical indecisive teenager and am sick of school. I’d think looking at colleges would get me excited but somehow that’s not the case. I have heard many things about our educational system and can see many faults in it. Not particularly college but grade school. The classroom hasn’t changed in the last century and teen stress levels have risen by 40% in that same century. It doesn’t take a brain scientist to figure out that it’s school causing this anxiety.

Let’s think about this, first of all its not healthy to try and do academic studies before 10 am scientifically because teenagers are nocturnal around their early to late teen and require more sleep cause we are going through some changes that require a lot of energy. Who would have guessed. In Switzerland students aren’t assigned homework until the 11th grade and their academic performance is also far superior than ours. There, teachers are as highly respected as doctors because it is difficult to become a teacher. I have watched my fellow peers have literal mental break downs from receiving lower than an A in a class. Some of these kids believe their life depends on a letter grade. I’m a sort of orphan if you will and always have taken my education into my own hands. When I took the hardest AP class my sophomore year I began to get so stressed and I had to be constantly reminded to put my health before my school work. I remember I had an F in the class and crammed for a writing assessment that night and was exhausted. I kept waking up buried in papers. Eventually I gave up and went to bed. When I walked in my teacher asked if I was ready for the exam and I smiled at him and said “no”. I had hit rock bottom. I had nothing to loose. I ended up doing great on the exam. My point is, students are so heavily pressured by parents, teachers, and administrators to do well in school they forget to live. I was the most antisocial I have ever been because of that one class. 

For me a release is to hang out with friends. Tell me how it makes any logical sense for this: go to school from 8am-3pm, my school says that ap classes assign 2 hours of homework a night and regular classes assign about an hour. My schools weird and only has four periods. Let’s say a regular person had my schedule of 2 honors/AP classes and 2 regular classes plus a class after school on Thursdays that assigned homework. That’s 7 hours of homework on a Thursday and 5 on any other day. I get home around 4 because we don’t get out until 3:15 and I have a longish drive home. So that means I will be doing homework until 9pm without a break after a full academic day. Let’s say I don’t start till five. I won’t finish till ten and this excludes the hour or two for shower getting pjs on and eating food. That’s ridiculous, imagine Thursday’s stress load. Or even better imagine a full 6 period class day plus sports. Hmmm I wonder why teen anxiety is more prominent. Even suicides among students are rising. 

This is today’s society. We work from age five on to get a piece of paper to work for another four years to get another piece of paper while being at risk of homelessness, depression, and debt before we even own anything because college is so expensive. By the time you leave college you have already built up debt and jobs will still be competitive even with the special paper. So was it worth it? They say don’t do drugs while your young because it will do mental damage but doesn’t anxiety do the same thing? No one has stopped to ask why I’m stressed at just the thought of college, well this is why. I don’t want to support a system that crushes the souls of children, yeah it sounds dramatic but it’s not. One of my classmates last year got behind in school because he was sick and his teachers emailed his parents explaining that he was falling far behind and his parents got mad at him and told him to tough it out. Later that week he killed himself. Stress is a serious thing. Maybe I’m afraid because I don’t believe it’s my fate but perhaps it’s because I refuse to further my stress anymore. I refuse to let my stress consume me and if that means not going to college then so be it. I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it.

Let me apologize now, this was a long rant but I have been really irritable and stressed because of this and had to vent for a second. I actually didn’t think that this was going to become anything but people actually like it and that’s pretty rad so I wanted to say thanks 🙂 This one is kind of a ramble rant, sorry I’m tired. 

Stress

I am naturally a stressed out person. I stress out about everything, from the outfit I’m going to wear tomorrow, to actually serious things. Lately I’ve had a different kind of stress. It’s more like a panic. 

College

Just the thought of it makes me cringe. I cannot find the motivation to push myself to like it or be interested in it. They say, “oh school is different as you get older because you get to pick your classes”. Well yes and no. I got to pick my classes in high school but that doesn’t mean I don’t have to do common core classes. It’s the same in college, you are required to take certain classes to graduate. I’m not exactly the type of person who thinks about the college I want to go to and get really pumped. 

But Hannah, you’ll have so much fun in college, it’ll be a new experience!

I don’t doubt that it wouldn’t have fun. That’s not the issue here. It’s not something that interests me. College and high school are the same except you have to fend for yourself in one and the other you’re more sheltered. This is how I see it, I have been fending for myself since I was nine years old. I don’t honestly think that college is going to be an eye opening difference for me. I’m not going to some big fancy college either. I would probably go to a state college or a community one. Just thinking about it gets me stressed out.
If not college, then what?

That’s a great question. I am the only teenager, or at least 17 year old girl, who wants to live in a van and go backpacking in every national park in the U.S. That I know. Yeah, I couldn’t make money doing this unless I was super creative in a way to support myself. So although it’s one of my biggest dreams it’s rather unachievable for several reasons: 1) as much as I’d like to say it is, it’s not safe to travel alone. 2) I have no automotive knowledge to help me out when my said van breaks down. 3) There would be no source of income. Well okay so if living in a van is unachievable, I might as well go to college. Wrong. I am a firm believer in following your dreams, as cheesy as it may sound. If I can’t do that I want to via the van life then I want to travel, someway, somehow. There are programs such as WOOF that let you travel the world and work on organic farms, you only have to pay for transportation to said place. Again the problem with this is that there is no source of income. Okay what next? To be completely honest, that’s as far as I got. I think it’s the fact that I’ve heard the same line over and over again “You just have to do it for a few more years, keep going.” Well now it’s going to be my legal choice wheather I want to go to college or not and further my education. It doesn’t help that I don’t believe in standardized tests and I willl not, for the life of me, get stuck in a 9-5 job that I hate. There is no point in spending the majority of your life unhappy just to pay the bills. I rather be poor and truly happy than rich and bored with life. Money is only a tool we use to achieve our dreams, hence I have none. I refuse to live a mundane life as a saburban housewife. Some may argue that the way to avoid this is to get an education, I both agree and disagree with this statement. 
How I paln to live 

I agree that education can further carry you in life. I find that schooling and education are two completely different things. Mark Twain once said “don’t let schooling interfere with your education.” This has been an itch in my brain since the fourth grade. I always thought they were the same thing until I really began to enjoy learning. 

I recently discovered that the man who invented the SAT’s never ment for it to be an actual test. People are unique yet we are all critiqued under one general platform. I refuse to live by a number that is supposed to define my intelligence and an administration that uses the same system to grade meat as to grade kids. Many will disagree with me on this but I believe that unless something sticks, you’re not really learning. There are so few teachers who have actual engaging classes and I find it sad. We are all just taking classes to get a grade, to get into college, to get a job that pays well. I don’t want to live according to that plan. I rather be happy than force myself back into something I won’t utilize because it hinders my creativity as well as my spirit. And yes, all of my friends think I’m a complete hippy.