Crash 

Driving down the unlit highway feeling nervous about the black abyss. Hardly a street lamp shone on the dark deserted road. The music was playing yet she wasn’t listening, she was too focused on attempting to see the road from the darkness that seemed to fall on everything like black tar. Her eyes strained to see just a few yards in front of her even with her brights. Going five miles above the speed limit she climbed a hill on the old highway. The night was dark. It was late. She wanted to be home. To distract herself from her eerie surroundings she went over a checklist of chores and things todo once she got home. As she descended the hill she noticed something strange in the center of the road. An odd tree branch that had fallen perhaps. Suddenly the branch moved frantically. It all came to her quickly. The branches we people waving their arms frantically she tried to slow down in case they needed help but she looked ahead to see the mangled car that was approaching too fast for her to stop. Everything slowed. The impact sent a rush of fear through her and she had a few conscious thoughts: 

I haven’t even paid off this car.

What will people think when they’ve found out you have been in another accident?

Am I going to live?

Her senses rushed her telling her to grab the wheel once the airbag deployed and she swung it. Her feet reached for the break petal that no longer seemed to work and everything was moving so slow. Think she thought. She closed her eyes smelling smoke and feeling the car come to an abrupt stop. Smoke. Suddenly it’s hard to breathe through the air. The car could be on fire, get out. Quickly reaching for the door handle her hand failed to open it she tried again feeling it release and throwing herself out into the wet concrete gasping for air. She was alive. Alive and well even. That’s all she needed 

Last night I was in an accident. A car heading northbound had crashed in the center of the wrong lane. It had been flung up into the air after hydroplaning on what was believed to be an oil spill. The front and back axle were broken and the lights didn’t work. Two men stood beside it seeing the wreckage when a car came approving too fast for them to warn. They saw her attempt to slow and swerve but hit the tail end of the car and spin to the other side. It stopped and for a moment there was no movement. The combined smoke from both cars was enough to choke someone. Suddenly the car door was flung open and the girl kept onto the concrete coughing. 

This was the scene of my second accident last night. I have never been so scared and anxious in my life as I did in feeling the moment of impact. When I got out of my car I stood to make sure the two men were okay. They were and when I saw a car fast approaching my car I screamed and shone a flashlight frantically. Tears were in my eyes and the man stopped his car rushing to the scene. There was no service. Hardly anyone on the highway. We were eventually saved by a sheriff deputy that was responding to a call of liquids in the road. They found us and quickly called for backup. My friend came after the fire trucks and hugged me. I needed it. 
I didn’t get home until 1am and left with a swollen hand and forearm. And a migraine that developed vision loss. I was okay. That’s all that mattered. As much as I’d like to worry about everything else I cannot forget the countless people stopping and telling me “you’re lucky to be alive”. 

Ignorance 

Something we all possess no matter the degree. For me personally, I have ignorance for my own feelings and responsibilities. This ignorance is somewhat of a mental block. It grows into a consuming force or it abides by life’s twists and turns yet is still subtly there. 

The saying ignorance is bliss always struck me as funny. I believe it was derived from the Adam and Eve story when the fruit of knowledge was eaten. They had paradise and immortality until they ate the forbidden fruit. I personally don’t believe in the story because the maker of the story emphasizes their tranquility and peace. How can you know peace if you haven’t known war? How can you know light if you haven’t known dark. These sharp contrasts in life help illuminate what is in front of us. Therefore ignorance is not bliss, because you cannot know ignorance of you have not known knowledge. With out knowledge ignorance is non existent.

These small ignorances we struggle with in day to day life can either affect us or not. It depends on so many different factors that it is impossible to generalize it. 

I am ignorant to my feelings and self esteem. I choose to ignore it at all costs hoping it will flutter away when in reality it is a pot that is boiling over, splashing over the sides and sizzling. 

Everyone is prone to this because of their comfort zone. We want to stay in it. That’s human nature. You can never not have some sort of comfort zone. I watched a TED talk about how stepping out of your comfort zone can significantly bring up your confidence. Things like laying down on a busy sidewalk or socializing with people you wouldn’t normally socialize with. Perhaps we can help aid our ignorance with confidence but even in that realm of being you can be ignorant.

I believe the world is set up with rules. These lines that are difficult to cross or can easily be crossed and either way keep us on one side or the other. In other words it can be either a giant ridge that you are trying climb over that represents a line or it can be a tightrope made of floss. Either way, you are usually stuck on one side, never perfectly balanced in the middle.

So perhaps ignorance is one of the many factors that upholds these walls. Regardless we all have them. Some have negative connotations some have positive and others are just neutral. Being ignorant to certain factors of our own lives, our own inner workings, is what makes us human. It’s when the ignorance reaches a level of absurdity that it slides down slope into the idea of absolute negative connotations. 

I strive to vanquish ignorances that threaten the aspects of my life that are needed in order for me to stay afloat. With depleted confidence and sense of self esteem, I have been actively attempting to rid myself of the specific ignorance that I care about what others think of me. If you were to ask me if I cared what people thought, I would say no. I am ignorant to my own personality trait that in fact dismantles my social life. 

I try to work on these ignorances that seem to carry the essence of negativity in order to become a more refined and overall happy person. 

*I have not been writing in the blog for a while for a few reasons. First of all, I’m not going to list some lame half assed excuses on how I have been busy or not had time because in fact I have. I haven’t been writing because the blog has felt like a negitive thing for many reasons and I decided to take a break. I love the blog dearly because I can get everything out but sometime I need to wrestle with my brain as much as I need to write out my thoughts. It wasn’t writers block, more of a writers vacation. For those who have stuck around on the blog, thank you. 


Jobs

I am 17 and about to have to face the world on my own. I would be fine with this except I can’t even get a job. Now I’ve heard it all: “you’re not trying hard enough” “you’re not looking in the right places”. Well let me tell you.

I spent a whole afternoon handing out resumes to any place with a help wanted sign. Nothing. I emailed and talked to people all over town. Nothing. I have been hunting Craigslist like a mad person and have only run into scams and jobs I can’t make it to. 

Let me explain: the first thing I heard from was a serving job for a wedding job and they wanted to interview me. Problem is it was way to far. So I had to politely decline. The second one seemed to be a legit housecleaning gig until they told me how much they were paying and I had to look it up because I couldn’t believe it. Turned out to be a scam. Finally today I found something that was near me and in my area of experience and everything about it seemed perfect and they wanted to know my availability. Well while looking through my emails I saw the email they had sent to me and decided to put it aside and form a coherent email while going through and archiving all my trash mail. You know what I did? I deleted their email. I was so frustrated and mad so I went back to Craigslist and searched for it and sent them another email hoping they won’t think I’m an idiot. 

I have no where else to turn. It also just so happens that my summer camp that I live so much might not pay me. The thought of going all summer without income for someone who is about to be thrown out is terrible. Who knew it would be this hard to get a minimum wage job.
The blog hasn’t been updated in a while because as you can see I have been slightly preoccupied. My apologies. Life happens. 

Empathy 

This blog was an idea spawned from the brains of great people who encouraged me to improve my writing. As it has progressed over the past two months it has been a major stress relief for me. I was completely honest on this blog when I stated that it was a way I could vent without having to constantly complain to my friends which I still do but it’s normally about the small meaningless things in life, the 1st world problems. 
My audience for this blog consists of friends, acquaintances, and a few strangers who enjoy my writing. The majority of this audience reads to check in with my life and/or to see how my writing is improving i’d presume. Correct me if I’m wrong. This being said there is bound to be conflict in these rants of mine because not all perceive reality in the same way.
What I’m trying to say is this: we all see different variations of reality and can’t always come to a consensus because of this variety of the verdict. In short, this is how wars are started. I believe that one’s experiences dictate their perception. This is precisely the reason that I am a firm believer in empathy.
The other day I was braiding Taylor’s hair and she was watching a video on Facebook on the topic of empathy which sent me spinning in thought after the month’s events. The definition of this word didn’t become a clear picture until I was 12 and in a group home (for those who don’t know what this is it is a housing unit that is basically an orphanage but is run like a prison). A girl had made it apparent what empathy was. I kept to myself in those days because it was an everybody fends for themselves kind of scenario. This girl who was a year or two older than me seemed to go along with what anyone else told her and didn’t stand up for herself but rather aimed to please in order to have friends. 
For whatever reason, this timid girl decided that she could trust me. I hadn’t paid her much attention until she began to open up to me. She explained that her therapy sessions didn’t seem to help in any way and she still felt awful inside. She explained she felt guilty. As we became better acquainted she revealed more about this guilt. I began to understand that she had no need to feel guilty. That the horrors that she had been exposed to had been pawned off as being her fault by those around her. So from that moment on she found herself guilty to everything she had ever been exposed to even if it plainly wasn’t her fault. One night she cried to me about it and I felt her pain but I also saw how our perspectives were completely different from one another.
With all that being said I find it easy to find empathy for others after countless experiences similar to this one. This sometimes leaves me at a disadvantage because I would expect the same from others around me. Just because somethings scary to me doesn’t mean that it’s scary for everyone. That leaves a different sensitivity scale for each individual. It is impossible to gauge this scale from what meets the eye, hence the saying “don’t judge a book by its cover”.
The basic understanding of human empathy is impossible without life experiences. The relatability that causes us to comprehend another’s pain, happiness, and sorrow. This relatability that people utilize to understand one another is often what can make us feel even more alone in the world forming this strange paradox. To put in other words: if you struggle and you find someone who also struggles, the matter of such struggles can differ just ever so slightly to the point where the common ground that was foreseeable in a moment of desperation has now disappeared into a fog of confusion and frustration.
Therefore, I ask for understanding over immediate redemption. That although there is a mending ability between ties that are broken with automatic forgiveness, the strongest bonds were made of perceptiveness of those around you. The ability to feel what another is experiencing or had experienced is a learned skill that can be developed through awareness.
 It is impossible to walk a mile in another person’s shoes but the effort in trying can prove to be fruitful.

The Media 

I talk about this as if it’s a single entity. I know it’s not but I try to look at as a whole to make things easier.

I have a love hate relationship with the media. When I say media I mean social media, news media, etc. It is a force to be reckoned with. I think that it has its positives but also negatives and then this weird grey area of just straight controversial.

Why I love the media:

It is a place that can provoke awareness on ground breaking things or foundations, charities and what not. It has an ability to move people and is a true art form. Not only that but you can express yourself through social media. For example WordPress is a great place to do that as well  as Instagram, twitter, snapchat. I rely on it as a place where I can express myself in depth because the facisnating idea of venting to strangers that really have no connection to you is exciting. It’s a way to make connections and even network. It’s also a resource to gather information, in my case, information on van conversions, job prospects, and all around entertainment. In short, I think it’s great but it definitely has its dark side.

Why I hate the media:

Media is a frenzy for people to get attention either through corporations or just individuals. This isn’t a problem except that it leaves people with a skewed perspective of reality. People like to see happy things and want to be happy, it’s a basic human desire so content is usually aimed on how much fun people are having and how great their lives are. It makes viewers believe that if you aren’t happy 24/7 then there is something detrimentally wrong with you. If everything is being projected as happy go lucky times forever then people are going to question their sadness. 

Sadness is apart of life, if there wasn’t sadness then we wouldn’t know happiness. You can’t see and understand something when there is a contrast to it. It sucks, I know but it’s reality. Media tries to sell you something different, this fabricated lie that can leave you worse off than you were before. Along with this unrealistic idea of what your life is supposed to look like there is also preconceived ideas of what people are supposed to look like in order to be happy.

The idea that women have to wear makeup and have toned bodies is something that has bothered me always. Don’t get me wrong, I believe makeup is an art form truly; however, when I noticed my friend question her self esteem because she didn’t have makeup, it was a wake up call. I grew up with a single dad so I’ve never been a super girly girl yet I still feel pressured by media to conform into media’s idea of “perfection” which is not only blown out of proportion but also changes every other week. The same stands for men’s standards. Toned bodies is a must in order to be successful in life. I do believe that this media craze tends to affect women more than men from my own personal experience.

I like to read my horoscope on Cosmopolitan and sometimes I’ll catch glimpses of their articles and it usually has to do with the latest beauty trend or how to get abs in five minutes. Then the next day they will have an article on how women should embrace their bodies and be more accepting. I think it’s a mixed message to say the least especially to younger generations but also just kind of weird to contradict themselves (as if I don’t do the same thing). 

The real point I’m trying to reach is that lately I have been gloomy. This happens, it’s normal. If you have a shitty week chances are you won’t really be too happy about it. So when I look at youtubers or friends on Instagram who are happy in all of their videos or posts, I remind myself, people are human and have bad days, they aren’t happy all the time and you aren’t alone. 

There’s my rant on the media. Lately I have had no shortage of things to talk about on the blog and I’m loving it, I wish life would go for an upswing but I guess I’ll have to wait.
Side note* 

To the guy who gave my friends and I the umbrella at the yogurt shop cause it was raining and we were waiting for free yogurt, thank you, it was greatly appreciated. 

Networking 

First off, I’m not a social person by nature, I am kind of on the fence of I could be totally outgoing or I could be that one really quiet kid in the class, it really depends on the day. I wouldn’t say I make friends to network and make connecting a that could benefit me. If I make a friend your usually in it for the long haul unless something happens along the way. Lately I have been making friends from all over my school for example I went on a run with Emily tonight and hiked with Gabby earlier.

Gabby and I have complete opposing views on politics yet can still openly talk about it and share information and learn rather than argue. I would not consider her someone I am trying to network off of. That being said she did offer some information that could be potentially vital to my future. Gabby is very outgoing and knows a ton of people and happens to know some college grads who live here in town looking for a roommate next year. Hears the catch: you have to move out furring the summer because the owner rents it as a vacation home. That wouldn’t be a problem for me because I go to my favorite place on earth for around three months.

Let’s say I was the extreamely organized, well thought out person I wish I was: this would fit into my plan in several ways one being that it would be cheap enough to where I could start saving for my van project which after weeks and months, I have tried to ignore, is nearly impossible. I am infatuated by the idea that you could be self sustaining and move whenever you want. I desperately want this lifestyle.

Cutting back on my classes has led to a lot of free time and more time to make stronger connections with people which I really appreciate and is even helping me get in shape. Angelica and Emily have been running with me for the past couple of days ever since I decided not to join the swim team because it sounded like more stress than fun.

With what I want to be in life it is vital that I network while I can and emerge from my shell even further. Honestly I feel like I’ve left this shell so long ago that I’m not even a hermit crab anymore, I’m a crab that lost its shell. This is good because now I can broaden my horizons while being utterly terrified but can be translated into motivation. 

I don’t have the ability to rate my writing but I’d hope that it would be a career option and the more I become devoted to the idea of a van, the more I want to be a journalist.

Aspirations 

Over my lifetime, a whole 17 years, I have felt passionate about several aspirations. When I was twelve I wanted a dog. I wanted a German short haired pointer. At the time, the place I was living, it wasn’t possible to have a dog but I knew that the place I was at was temporary. So I began to plan.

I used my precious internet time to research everything about the breed and to this day still have the folder with all my information. I first found an old skittles piggy bank that I remember to this day and I began to save. I got paid for chores but it didn’t quite cut it. I had to come up with clever ways to make money since I was too young for a job. I began to make jewelry from scraps of old jewelry people didn’t want, stockpiled, and invested in supplies. I made earrings mostly and would go door to door selling them. I was inspired by Where The Red Fern Grows and kept up my hard work. I took on another project of making little pot holders for kitchen ovens. I would use a loom and weave them together then go door to door selling them. I then invested into a car washing devices and washed cars in the warmer months. I worked and worked for 9 months and earned $500. I was $250 short of my goal but I was moving. I finally got my dog. His name was scout and I loved him dearly. 

The moral of the story was my motivation. I haven’t felt this motivation in a long time about anything like I do about this van conversion. It’s brought out my other passionate dream.

I love writing and one day want to write a novel. I don’t have time because school gets in the way, to me school is more of a distraction as I have gotten older. I want to write and travel but how I wanted to do that was unclear until a few months ago. Now I am looking up things to make this dream a reality. It’s hard to ignore a constant itch and this is what taht feels like. I’m hungry for information on vans and continue to research. It’s a long shot and frankly quite crazy but I finally found a motivation. I found the same desire I had when I was 12. Perhaps I can make this dream a reality, but how long will I have to wait this time?