Thursday

I wasn’t kidding when I said they were cursed. The worst things happen to me on Thursdays. 

Today I was told I was being kicked out. I’d like to look at this from a few different aspects. Many teens especially my age are told this same phrase including some of my closest friends. Getting kicked out for them means crashing at a friend’s house. For me, that means I have to live with another foster family. It means I have to start all over again. 

Financially it is a train wreck to even think about and would put my dreams on hold. Emotionally it would probably kill me. 

Since I could cook eggs I have been independent. I prefer to do things my way; however as a minor, you are not allowed to do what you want because you have to follow rules and guidelines lines. That’s just a fact of life. My childhood consisted of figuring things out for myself and learning what to do on my own. I have been independent for a long time.

This isn’t saying that once I move out I’ll know exactly what to do. I actually have no clue what to do as far as paying bills and doing taxes. I’m independent in other ways though. Education has always been an independent thing for me, people who have been in my life have cared about my grades but never especially pushed to get straight As and so that is one thing that I took into my own hands. As far as feeding myself I would consider that an independent thing, in many of the homes I have lived in I was expected to feed myself and have grown to prefer that way. My views on almost everything contrast those around me because I wasn’t introduced to my families stand points on many issues and was left to choose my own thoughts on many things. 

Being kicked out has an affect on me emotionally as previously stated. I become emotionally numb. A kind of dull aching pain that I push to the pit of my stomach to try and avoid so I can think rationally about a back up plan. 

Physically, it makes me take inventory of everything I own for the 18th time and proves to be, in the end, stressfull on my body. 

Financially it takes away vital opportunities that can lead to some of my biggest aspersions.

Mentally, which for me, differs from emotions slightly. It severs bonds. I love my aunt dearly and with recent family news and built up guilt, loosing her and my uncle would not make things any easier. I thrive in an environment where I can practice my tenant and renter relationship because not only will I have to be facing that soon as well as it gives me a sense of freedom. Yet I understand how family might view that as me being antisocial and ungrateful.

Getting kicked out could mean several things. I could be moved to a foster family far away from where I am, I could be moved to a family in the same area but it would be likely I wouldn’t last long even in these last few remaining months because the stress I have at the moment is nearly crushing me, add a placement change and I might loose my sanity. It could mean that I get moved to a group home which to me is the equivalent of jail and I surly wouldn’t survive. Lastly it could mean that I have to say goodbye to my friends. It’s been a short time but already I have formed solid bonds. It’s not everyday you can find a group who can jam to 2000 Taylor swift and The Rolling Stones, or play pictionary on the beach on Saturday nights. 

I’m not good at goodbyes, when I left Napa in June and it was confirmed I wouldn’t be returning in August, it nearly ripped my heart out to say goodbye to Ally. These connections that I make with people sometimes last a lifetime and sometimes fall through with distance. 

So being told I’m being kicked out leaves me numb. It consumes every fiber of my being until I can’t feel anything and only hear a ringing in my ears that echoes all the negativity buried in my past. 

What I need is stability, I crave it. Just a few months to be assured the carpet won’t be ripped out from under my feet and can be assured that I won’t be abandoned. I understand and am fully aware that this is a give and take situation. I see any situation in a foster home to be a trade off similar to a tenant and renter regardless ofminey for basic commodities or in my case chores for a bed and food. I try to stay between these lines but if I am rushed with a heavy work load at school, it can be hard to juggle between home life and school. I often prioritize education over chores which is ironic considering my opposition towards college, nonetheless, I still hold education to be a priority no matter how it is obtained. 

Exuses aren’t my goal, if I have a dirty room then I should clean it bottom line, but sometimes I look at a simple task and it seems overwhelming because of anxiety. I don’t expect anyone to understand taht feelings nd know I should just do what’s in front of me but sometimes I just get nervous or stressed and want to hide under my covers all day. Sometimes seemingly for no reason other than just being scared.

Lately, with an uncertain future I have been terrified, with the exreamly likely idea taht I will be kicked out that stress and fear has manifested into a depressed state. All of these factors contributing to a coming cause of anxiety and stress that I don’t talk about because I try earnestly to knock myself out of it and just get done what I need to get done. 

With all that being said, today was a day where I saw a glimpse of some of my biggest dreams and watched them disappear faster than I could even take a good look at what my future my hold. Who knows how things will turn out in the end.

Stress (pt.2)

Again I’m a super stressed out person, we covered that. Well my history teacher, as if sensing my stress, mentioned a statistic that was in no way shape or form even remotely relevent to the class discussion. Anyways the statistic was that 1 in 3 cal state students are homeless. A few things to consider: it’s credibility for one thing. Frankly I’m too tired to look up whether this is true or not.

*hmm wonder why I start blogging at midnight every night*

If it is true though, I wouldn’t be surprised. You know that feeling when you know your not doing the right thing? For example when you got caught cheating on a test. That’s how the mere thought of college makes me feel. I feel physically sick. Yes, it is incredibly difficult to make a living without a college degree, not impossible, but very difficult. I could blame this aversion to college on many things. Lately I have been reintroduced  back into my hometown, the place I feel I truly belong. With all in consideration, I have been considering my self image but also my philosophies that I swear by.

I cannot pin point why I am practically allergic to the idea of college but I’ve had a rude awakening. I believe everyone has a purpose, possibly the reason we are here. Perhaps that’s the reason I am running from further education. It could be that I’m a typical indecisive teenager and am sick of school. I’d think looking at colleges would get me excited but somehow that’s not the case. I have heard many things about our educational system and can see many faults in it. Not particularly college but grade school. The classroom hasn’t changed in the last century and teen stress levels have risen by 40% in that same century. It doesn’t take a brain scientist to figure out that it’s school causing this anxiety.

Let’s think about this, first of all its not healthy to try and do academic studies before 10 am scientifically because teenagers are nocturnal around their early to late teen and require more sleep cause we are going through some changes that require a lot of energy. Who would have guessed. In Switzerland students aren’t assigned homework until the 11th grade and their academic performance is also far superior than ours. There, teachers are as highly respected as doctors because it is difficult to become a teacher. I have watched my fellow peers have literal mental break downs from receiving lower than an A in a class. Some of these kids believe their life depends on a letter grade. I’m a sort of orphan if you will and always have taken my education into my own hands. When I took the hardest AP class my sophomore year I began to get so stressed and I had to be constantly reminded to put my health before my school work. I remember I had an F in the class and crammed for a writing assessment that night and was exhausted. I kept waking up buried in papers. Eventually I gave up and went to bed. When I walked in my teacher asked if I was ready for the exam and I smiled at him and said “no”. I had hit rock bottom. I had nothing to loose. I ended up doing great on the exam. My point is, students are so heavily pressured by parents, teachers, and administrators to do well in school they forget to live. I was the most antisocial I have ever been because of that one class. 

For me a release is to hang out with friends. Tell me how it makes any logical sense for this: go to school from 8am-3pm, my school says that ap classes assign 2 hours of homework a night and regular classes assign about an hour. My schools weird and only has four periods. Let’s say a regular person had my schedule of 2 honors/AP classes and 2 regular classes plus a class after school on Thursdays that assigned homework. That’s 7 hours of homework on a Thursday and 5 on any other day. I get home around 4 because we don’t get out until 3:15 and I have a longish drive home. So that means I will be doing homework until 9pm without a break after a full academic day. Let’s say I don’t start till five. I won’t finish till ten and this excludes the hour or two for shower getting pjs on and eating food. That’s ridiculous, imagine Thursday’s stress load. Or even better imagine a full 6 period class day plus sports. Hmmm I wonder why teen anxiety is more prominent. Even suicides among students are rising. 

This is today’s society. We work from age five on to get a piece of paper to work for another four years to get another piece of paper while being at risk of homelessness, depression, and debt before we even own anything because college is so expensive. By the time you leave college you have already built up debt and jobs will still be competitive even with the special paper. So was it worth it? They say don’t do drugs while your young because it will do mental damage but doesn’t anxiety do the same thing? No one has stopped to ask why I’m stressed at just the thought of college, well this is why. I don’t want to support a system that crushes the souls of children, yeah it sounds dramatic but it’s not. One of my classmates last year got behind in school because he was sick and his teachers emailed his parents explaining that he was falling far behind and his parents got mad at him and told him to tough it out. Later that week he killed himself. Stress is a serious thing. Maybe I’m afraid because I don’t believe it’s my fate but perhaps it’s because I refuse to further my stress anymore. I refuse to let my stress consume me and if that means not going to college then so be it. I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it.

Let me apologize now, this was a long rant but I have been really irritable and stressed because of this and had to vent for a second. I actually didn’t think that this was going to become anything but people actually like it and that’s pretty rad so I wanted to say thanks 🙂 This one is kind of a ramble rant, sorry I’m tired.